As seen in Entertainment Weekly! No really!

Written by: Chefelf Edited by: Jacques

Ep. I TPM

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Ep. II AOTC

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Ep. III ROTS

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Ep. IV ANH

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Ep. V ESB

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Ep. VI ROTJ

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Holiday Special

<<- Episode III Teaser Review! ->>

Reason #11
Jar Jar Louganis
To further test your suspension of disbelief, Jar Jar makes this dive into the water where he jumps about twenty feet in the air and then flips five times before hitting the water. Was that necessary? Instead of letting you forgive him for the six or seven things he'd done in his first minute into the movie they immediately hit you with another reason why he is the worst.

Reason #12
The Quickest Route
Boss Nass (who is getting off easy for some reason) tells the Jedi and Jar Jar that the quickest way to reach the Naboo is through the planet's core. Okay. I am by no means a geologist. I can't tell the difference between Igneous or Sedimentary rock. However, one thing I do know is that you can't just traipse through a planet's core... for any reason. Even if it is the quickest route (which I find highly doubtful) I think that the risks (i.e. certain death) are far to great to undertake the voyage.

Reason #13
A Fish Tries to Eat Them
I'm pretty sure fish don't eat metal.

Reason #14
"There's always a bigger fish."
A bigger fish eats the fish that was trying to eat them. Qui-Gon should be wiser than this. Can't he see the fault in his logic? How can there always be a bigger fish? I think a more accurate line would be: "There's usually a bigger fish." It's a lot like God making a boulder so heavy that he couldn't lift it. I think Qui-Gon's statement will one day be the focus of a great deal of University philosophical debate.

Reason #15
Big Fish
The fish that eats the enormous fish is really friggin' big. It's tough to say exactly how big but I would say that it was at least 100 feet. If there are all these giant fish lurking in the waters right by the Gungans' city then why is their city still standing? Lets say that there were a couple hundred Tyrannosaurs Rexes living outside of Paris. Instead of being regular Tyrannosaurs Rexes, these particular dinosaurs ranged from regular size to five or six times their normal size. I would be willing to bet that Paris would be a much different city today although Le Centre de Georges Pompideau would probably still look the same.

Reason #16
Droid Armies
How much do you think it costs to make an army out of artificially intelligent and independent droids? I wager that the cost would be somewhere between fucking expensive and fucking astronomical. The effects of the droids were pretty cool. I find the special effects on non-living creatures far less distracting, but this isn't about effects unfortunately for the validity of Episode I. I did a search for "military robotics" on Google and came up with a site that offered information. To subscribe to their bi-weekly military robotics newsletter is $375 a year. That is just for a newsletter/catalog to look at some pretty basic military robotics. I highly doubt that any of these robots have artificial intelligence. The droids in Episode I are unbelievably sophisticated with the ability to fabricate lies and perform a myriad of complex dexterous actions. I think even in a society as advanced as the one we are presented with in Episode I it would be a hell of a lot cheaper and easier to get a bunch of dumb guys with guns.

Reason #17
Why even use a lightsaber?
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are quick to whip out lightsabers when things start going bad. One thing that I couldn't help but notice during the course of this movie was that every so often they would do that thing where they extend a hand and the enemy would go flying backwards. That is friggin' cool. Why even use a lightsaber when that Jedi “push” move is so much cooler? Maybe it's the fact that they only use it every twentieth time or so that makes it so cool, but I am a big fan. Just about the only thing I look forward to in Episode II (besides another excuse to see Natalie Portman on the big screen) is the chance that we'll see a lot more of the force-push. Maybe Anakin will use it to pick fights with people and that is what turns him to the dark side.

Reason #18
The hyperdrive is leaking
The reason that they have to land on Tatooine is because "the hyperdrive is leaking." Leaking what? I've never really considered it but I suppose that a hyperdrive could contain something that would leak. But why put a hyperdrive in a part of the ship where it is susceptible to damage? If I were a ship designer I would think of putting the hyperdrive somewhere near the center of the ship so by the time it was damaged you would stand very little chance of survival anyway. As we are all well aware, they didn't seem to learn this lesson by the time Episodes IV-VI rolled around.

Reason #19
Darth Maul's Introduction
At one point Darth Sidious is speaking with the Viceroy. He then announces his apprentice, Darth Maul. Darth Maul then steps into range of the holographic transmitter to mug for the camera. I must say that as cool as every eight year old thinks Darth Maul is, I find him to be one of the greater flaws of the movie. Where Jar Jar fails in comic entertainment, Darth Maul succeeds. Look at him, he's just a funny looking dude! He looks like he could be a member of KISS. If KISS hadn't stopped wearing the makeup I bet Bruce Kulick would have worn makeup just like this. And by the way, Darth Maul? That's a pathetic name for a Sith. Why did they break the tradition of naming Darth's after words that begin with the letters in? inVader, inSidious. I would be happier if his name were something like Darth Truder, Darth Cendiary or more appropriately Darth Ane.

Reason #20
R2-D2's Big Day!
The fact that all of these characters just happen to board a ship with R2-D2 is lamer than lame. The fact that R2-D2 saves the day by fixing the shield connection (Again, why do they line these damn ships with the most important components?) is lame. You know when you have to answer the question: "What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?" Well my answer is as follows.

In Star Wars: Episode I there is a scene where R2-D2 saves the day. After he saves the day Queen Amidala asks one of her lackeys to read the number off the droid. The man says "R2.. D2, your highness." Then Queen Amidala says and I quote: "Padme, clean this droid up. It deserved our gratitude." I have never been so embarrassed in all my life.

It's true. I gasped in horror as this scene unfolded before my very eyes. I remember slouching down in my seat in the theater, my face must have been glowing red. The words of Joseph Conrad ringing in my head. The horror. The horror.

There are many flaws with the scene. Firstly, if this had been any other droid they wouldn't have had a gay ass little award ceremony for it. Secondly, the Queen's decoy is having Padme (actually Queen Amidala in this very scene) scrub down the droid. Thirdly, we saw earlier in the movie that droids receive very poor treatment from humans. Earlier, on the Viceroy's ship, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan don't even look at a droid that has served them drinks let alone thank the droid. Just because the droid's intelligence is artificial is no reason to treat it so poorly.

The movie could have benefited so much from leaving out this scene and my most embarrassing moment could revert to the time the high school football team took off my pants and gave be a spanking in the school cafeteria.

Reasons 1-10	Reasons 11-20	Reasons 21-30	Reasons 31-40
Reasons 41-50	Reasons 51-60	Reasons 61-70	Reasons 71-78

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