Written by: Chefelf
Edited by: Jacques & Jen
The Stupid Dumb Jedi Idiots
I think this may have been mentioned in the review of The Phantom Menace, but I will mention it again. Why do the Jedi think that the Force needs to be balanced? I would agree that the Force seems to be completely out of balance in the prequels however, this works to the Jedi's favor. The Jedi number in the thousands, while there are only two Sith. At one point, it even appears to the Jedi that there are fewer Sith (read: zero). So why in the name of all that is holy would they want to balance that out? It's as if Master Yoda is not familiar with the ancient Jedi proverb: "If not broken it is, fix it you should not."
Palpatine's Dipshit Water Opera
Palpatine requests Anakin's presence at some sort of ridiculous water opera that he is attending. It is there that he informs Anakin that they have located General Grievous.
The show that they are watching is peculiar, and one of several moments in Revenge of the Sith that has echoes of the Star Wars Holiday Special. In the Holiday Special, we actually see something akin to the water opera when Chewbacca's father enters the Wookiee Masturbation virtual reality simulator. Unfortunately, we are not treated to Mermeia as portrayed by Diahann Carroll.
The Tragedy of Darth Plagueis
In the opera house, Chancellor Palpatine regales Anakin with a story called "The Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise." It is a tale of a Sith Lord who became so powerful in the Force that he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians to create life. He could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. He taught his apprentice everything he knew and then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's a heart warming Sith legend that brings back the popular question: Why the hell do the Sith take apprentices?
The midi-chlorians had a nice one-film vacation, since Attack of the Clones, the midi-chlorians were left out of the story, just enough time to make the viewer forget that they ever existed, which has been my goal since 1999. However, after taking the vacation, it was time to get back to work and make their dreaded appearance in Revenge of the Sith. In a scene that would have been no worse without their mention, it is said that Darth Plagueis the Wise was a "Dark Lord of the Sith so powerful and so wise that he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians... to create... life." If he had stopped at "the Force" instead, the scene may have gotten by by being just stupid instead of vomit-inducing.
When Anakin asks if it is possible to learn the powers to create life and stop people from dying, Palpatine tells him that "the Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural."
Apparently, moving rocks around with your mind, falling a thousand feet and then grabbing hold of a speeding cruiser, deflecting blaster shots with a lightsaber and being able to see the future are rather ho-hum to the general population of the galaxy.
The Virgin Birth (or Anakin, I am your father.)
After introducing this new element of creating life and saving life using the Force, a lot of questions about Anakin's birth are raised. It is assumed that Plagueis was the master of Lord Sidious (Palpatine) and it is Sidious who killed Plagueis and learned everything that he knew. (In the novelization, Palpatine actually comes out and says it outright.) This assumption leaves the possibility open that Plagueis (or Sidious) is actually the "father" of Anakin, who was "conceived through the midi-chlorians." As soon as the element of creating life was brought up, I fully anticipated an ending scene on Cloud City with Palpatine reaching a hand out to Anakin. I still can't decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that it never happened.
Wookiee Tarzan Yell
Once again it has happened. In keeping with the true spirit of Star Wars, Lucas has decided to take the bad moves of the past and not smooth them over, but rather, highlight and elaborate on them in the new movies. One of the foulest moments of Return of the Jedi was when Chewbacca swung onto the AT-ST and let out his famous Tarzan yell. Some (myself included) feel that having Chewbacca yell in the manner of Tarzan, a character from Earth literature and film, was a rather poor move. Lucas, however, uses his own judgment. In his eyes, this moment was clearly an excellent move, a brilliant thing to have happen in a galaxy far, far away! So, in Revenge of the Sith, we are treated to what we can only assume is a traditional Wookiee war cry. And what's more, is that it's double the fun! What's the only thing better than a Wookiee swinging from a rope and yelling like Tarzan? Why, of course, two Wookiees swinging from a rope and yelling like Tarzan.
Anakin and Obi-Wan Part
Anakin and Obi-Wan must eventually part ways. Anakin apologizes to Obi-Wan and tells him he's a great teacher and Obi-Wan tells Anakin that he's a great student. It becomes clear that this is the last time they're going to be friends onscreen. Much like the scene in The Phantom Menace where Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan share a similar exchange, we know that this is their last moment to enjoy their friendship. Much like the scene in The Phantom Menace, it is so blatantly obvious that it takes any mystery out of a plot which also suffers from the fact that everyone already knows what is going to happen anyway.
I try to just accept it. I try to just let it go that they're all clones of Jango Fett. But I can't. They're freaking me out! In every scene we have a bunch of weird Temuera Morrison heads smirking, grinning, and frowning all over the place. All in all the guy must get more screen time than Hayden Christensen or Ewan McGregor.
Obi-Wan had to summon all of his special Force humility power to cope with the embarrassment of mistaking Corporal Teddy for Commander Cody.
Padme's Laissez-Faire Attitude
After Anakin's second dream (or premonition) about Padme dying during childbirth, he decides to tell her again. Overall, she seems completely unworried about this idea that Anakin has. He even tells her that it's the same as when he had a vision of his mother dying, which she eventually did. Again, I must reiterate that I would be pretty freaked out if my girlfriend announced that she had a vision of me dying, and she's not even a Jedi (as far as I know), let alone if she had a previous grim vision of death that was realized.
Anakin comes off as some sort of really annoying Nostradamus who is stuck on this one prophecy. Anakin keeps harping on her death incessantly: "Wow Padme, I mean, I only dreamt of my mother dying once. And that was kinda foggy and I wasn't sure what to make of it. This time it's just coming in crystal clear. You died and I could hear your screams and you were wearing that same dress that you're wearing now. Huh. That's weird. I wonder what could be happening that could make you scream like that. It's like you were being crushed to death or someone was breaking your knees with a hammer. Oh well, you know what they say... always in motion is the future."
I commend Padme for her calmness in the face of death. She even goes as far as to promise Anakin that she won't die in the face of death. Excellent. Padme is a woman of her word ,so there should really be nothing to worry about. She wouldn't lie to Anakin. Would she?
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