||As seen in Entertainment Weekly! No really!
Written by: Chefelf
Edited by: Jacques
Darth Maul's Motorcycle
Make no mistake about it, Darth Maul drives a freakin' motorcycle! What's even better than that is that the first time he is seen by the Jedi is in a failed attempt to run Anakin over. Bellissimo!
After Qui-Gon's first run-in with Darth Maul Obi-Wan ask, "What was it?" Qui-Gon replies, "I think it was after the Queen." It? Darth Maul is clearly a man. I think that if the two Jedi struggled enough they could find a more appropriate pronoun to describe the Sith Lord. Sith Lords are people too! Jeers to the Jedi for this blatant disregard for political correctness.
On the trip to Coruscant there is a really uncomfortable scene between padme (who is supposed to be 14 but is quite clearly more like 20) and Anakin (10). This may be a bit of karma for natalie Portman's role in Beautiful Girls.
The need for a Jedi whose head floats precariously above a six foot neck does not exist. Here is a one act play of what I think it may have been like when George Lucas and his effects wizards brainstormed to come up with Yarael Poof.
Effects Wizard #1
Effects Wizard #2
Effects Wizard #3
The scene is an oak-lined board room with a giant black surfaced conference table. There is a windows that overlooks the skywalker Ranch. There is grass and some horses and some other stuff that would be on a Ranch.
George Lucas: The next idea is for the appearance of Yarael Poof of the Jedi Council.
Effects Wizard #1: Hmmmm. Let's think about possibly using the attribute of an animal.
Effects Wizard #3: He could look like a bear!
George Lucas: Too North American.
Effects Wizard #1: How about a pouch where he keeps a baby Jedi with a lightsaber?
George Lucas: Brilliant! But let's save some of our better ideas like that for Episode II. We don't want to give away all of the goodness in the first movie.
Effects Wizards #1-3: Agreed!
George Lucas: I'm thinking of something more... shall we say... African.
Effects Wizard #1: How about a zebra? Zebras are funny!
Effects Wizard #2: How about a koala?
Effects Wizard #3: (with a distant look) They're too funny!
Effects Wizard #1: The zebra or the koala?
Effects Wizard #3: The zebra or the koala, what?
Effects Wizard #2: You just said "That's too funny!" but it was unclear if your reference was to the zebra or the koala.
Effects Wizard #1: Yeah. You have a real pronoun reference problem.
George Lucas: Wizards, please! We're beginning to lose focus! Here's what I'm thinking. You know how giraffes have really long necks? Well here's what we do. We give a guy a really really insanely long neck and give it none of the strength of a giraffe's neck.
Effects Wizard #1: I like where you're going with this, sir.
George Lucas: On top of that we can make it really wavy so that--
Effects Wizard #3: So that it's something that is impossible and would never happen.
George Lucas: (sits back) Precisely.
Effects Wizard #2: At the top we should put a big head too, in case there is too much believability left.
George Lucas: Next order of business... Mace Windu...
With Yoda they used the same puppet that was used twenty years before. They also got the same puppeteer and voice actor to do his voice and movements. On top of this Yoda's lines were written by the same man. So why does he suck so much? The whole time Yoda is on screen it's like listening to someone do a bad Yoda impression! The grammar is messed up in all the wrong places and the puppet doesn't look nearly as good as it did in 1979. Surely this couldn't be the same Yoda who delivered the line: "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter!" He's walking and talking and the whole time I'm thinking: "Puppet. Puppet. Puppet. Puppet." No amount of suspension of my disbelief can allow me to think that Jar Jar Binks is an actual being rather than a cartoon and nothing can convince me that Yoda is not a silly Puppet. Did I mention that it was the same puppet? Idiots.
Prophecy of the One Who Will Bring Balance to the Force
Mace Windu brings this gem up during Qui-Gon's meeting with the Council. This is a stupid prophecy. I believe that Jedis shouldn't even have prophecies. Can't Jedis kinda see the future? What use is a prophecy to someone who can see or at least sense it? Wouldn't you be like: "Hey Jedi guy! I prophesize that in thirty minutes you will trip and fall."? Then the Jedi would look up for a second and say, "No. That's not going to happen." Yes. Yes that would happen because Jedis can tell the future and don't need lameboat jerks telling them what they think is going to happen.
The Senate is retarded. Not only is the room they are in stupid and look like something off the set of Dune, but the fact that they're all flying around on hovercrafts is just moronic. There's no need for something that expensive and extravagant! Itís sad when something as stupid and earth-like as a JUMBOTRON would make more sense. This is Science Fiction, I realize, but some element of believability has to be there.
I don't know if I agree with the fact that all it takes to force a Chancellor to retire is one senator saying: "I move for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor such and such." This system seems like it would be greatly flawed and would probably happen just about once every time the Senate met. Sadly this is a luxury that the American people do not have.
E. freakin' T.
When the vote of no confidence is cast they show the various outrage and support that Queen Amidala receives. We see Wookies cheering (which are undoubtedly either three of Chewbacca's relatives or probably even three of Chewbacca himself). When they pan across the senate you see a hovercraft filled with E.T.s. Make no mistake about it, they're the same race as freakin' E.T. It's not a race that kinda looks like E.T., they're E.T.'s exact race. I'm sure that this is just a little thing that George Lucas thought would be a cute joke yet it's another absurdity that makes me feel a wrenching in my soul as my entire childhood dies another death.
Back to Chefelf's Main Star Wars Page
"Yousa thinken yousa people gonna die?"
A scene that may have possibly been important or meaningful is ruined by this annoying line by Jar Jar. If my mom was sick and someone said: "Yousa thinken yousa mom is gonna die?" I'd punch them square on the nose.
Reasons to Hate Star Wars
Episode I (78 Reasons to Hate!)
Episode II (64+ Reasons to Hate!)
Episode III (91 Reasons to Hate!)
The Nitpicker's Guide to Star Wars
Episode IV: Special Edition (12 Nitpicks!)
Episode V: Special Edition (8 Nitpicks!)
Episode VI: Special Edition (17 Nitpicks!)