||As seen in Entertainment Weekly! No really!
Written by: Chefelf
Edited by: Jacques
"He can help you. He was meant to help you."
This is what Shmi Skywalker (stupid name) says about Anakin helping Qui-Gon. She makes it seem so important that Anakin is about to help a bunch of weirdos, whose plan for getting off the planet involves betting on a fancy go-kart race. Shmi could use to tone it down a bit, she's a touch too melodramatic for my taste.
The virgin birth.
Shmi Skywalker tells Qui-Gon that she "can't explain what happened" about Anakin's birth. She claims that Anakin just appeared in her belly and that there was no father. I've always wondered how Joseph believed it never mind Qui-Gon Jinn who is supposedly a wise old Jedi. Comparing Anakin Skywalker to Jesus in this way is extra stupid. My brothers are convinced that they will eventually reveal the father but I wouldn't be surprised if they just left it as is so that he had no father. Either way it will be really stupid. On the one hand you have a fatherless Anakin sort of like this evil little Antichrist child and on the other hand you could have something like Senator Palpatine being his dad which would be another really poor move that would just mirror the first trilogy. I think at this point it could go either way. Maybe Senator Palpatine created the boy inside Shmi without any intercourse at all. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's what will happen. Damn you, Lucas! Damn you to hell!
The addition of a Greedo type alien baby is probably Jacques's least favorite part of the movie. Mine's coming up a little later. The baby Greedo is horrible because it can only be assumed that it is actually a baby Greedo. Further investigation of the original production script for the movie reveals this scene which never made it to the final movie version.
EXT. TATOOINE - STREET - SLAVE QUARTERS - DAY
ANAKIN and A GREEDO are rolling around on the floor, fighting. About A DOZEN OR SO KIDS are standing around them, yelling. Suddenly, a long shadow is cast over the TWO BOYS; they stop fighting and look up. QUI-GON is towering above them. KITSTER is with them.
QUI-GON : What's this?
ANAKIN : He said I cheated.
QUI-GON : Did you?
ANAKIN : No!
QUI-GON : Do you still think he cheated?
GREEDO : Yes.
QUI-GON : Well, Annie. You know the truth... You will have to tolerate his opinion, fighting won't change it.
QUI-GON moves off down the street. Anakin follows. The GREEDO wanders over to WALD who has been watching the goings-on.
WALD : Keep this up, Greedo, and you're gonna come to a bad end.
This is not made up! This is taken directly from the actual script for The Phantom Menace. If you've ever seen The Phantom Menace then this shouldn't surprise you in the least! It fits perfectly in line with every other cheap joke Lucas makes. Jacques has been trying to convince me for years that that baby is not just of the same race as Greedo but actually is Greedo. Jacques, I apologize. The little faith I had left in Lucas's judgement was wrong. I was wrong.
Once again we are faced with the seemingly endless and stupid supplies on the Jedi utility belt. Qui-Gon takes a blood sample from Anakin and sends it over what I can only assume is the wireless internet to Obi-Wan for analysis. Not only does Qui-Gon have the equipment to do this (on his person, mind you!) but Obi-Wan seems to have all the necessary equipment for a Jedi blood analysis on board the Queen's ship. I'm also disappointed in any Jedi who would have to use any sort of equipment to detect how strong the force is with someone.
"Over 20,000, that's even higher than master Yoda!"
This is used to describe the midi-chlorian count in young Anakin's blood. This is the point where something starts smelling seriously rotten. Now the force can be quantified by something found in someone's blood? Unfortunately for Lucas, no Star Wars fan accepts this silly new rule that he invented. This is something I wouldn't even expect from one of the crappy novels. This is more like something that would exist solely in the pathetic Star Wars comic books.
The Chance Cube
At one point Watto makes a bet with Qui-Gon and takes out a "chance cube" to settle it. A chance cube looks just like any die that you'd get with a Milton Bradley game. The only thing is instead of numbers it has two colors, red and blue. My question is if you have a 50% chance of getting red and a 50% chance of getting blue then why the hell do you need something with six sides? Why not just use a coin? They don't roll a die at the beginning of a football game. Do they? I don't know, I don't watch football. The point is that I'm sure they can find something on Tatooine with two sides rather than six.
"You'll never get me onto a starship!"
C-3P0 says this during the movie. You see, itís funny because we know that he will spend a great deal of time on a starship during the later trilogy. Oh Lucas you scamp. The joke of making lame jokes about things that we know are going to happen just never gets old. Bravo!
"This pod is Wizard!"
At one point Kitster, Anakin's friend, says: "This is so wizard!" I'm not sure if I like this or not. It reminds me of a story that Paul is constantly telling about his friend in college that stole a bowl of cereal (milk, bowl, spoon and all) from the cafeteria and celebrated by proclaiming: "Ninja!"
The Two-Headed Announcer
Possibly Paul's least favorite part of the movie. One thing I didn't realize until my most recent viewing of the movie is that the head on the right is the voice of Greg Proops from Who's Line is it, Anyway? My roommate realized while we were watching it. I love Greg Proops but, unfortunately, even if the other head was done by Ryan Stiles and the body was done by the Swedish Bikini Team, I couldn't like this part of the movie.
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At one point an Eopie (a creature native to Tatooine that evidently becomes extinct somewhere between Episode I and Episode IV) farts on Jar Jar Binks who probably says something like, "How rude!" It's just one in a long line of cheap jokes in this movie. I hate it.
Reasons to Hate Star Wars
Episode I (78 Reasons to Hate!)
Episode II (64+ Reasons to Hate!)
Episode III (91 Reasons to Hate!)
The Nitpicker's Guide to Star Wars
Episode IV: Special Edition (12 Nitpicks!)
Episode V: Special Edition (8 Nitpicks!)
Episode VI: Special Edition (17 Nitpicks!)