||As seen in Entertainment Weekly! No really!
Written by: Chefelf
Edited by: Jacques
Jar Jar steps in poop
On Tatooine Jar Jar steps in what we assume is Bantha poop. Contrary to what George Lucas may believe, this scene is not necessary.
At one point Qui-Gon shows a hologram of their ship to Watto, an annoying flying character. Watto strokes his chin and says: "Ah, nice ship... Nubian." We can assume that he means the ship is from Naboo. He clearly says "Nubian" and not "Nabooian". I have a copy of the script and it is spelled N-U-B-I-A-N. Why not just say "Canadian" or "European" or some other word that will totally distract the audience for the rest of the scene? Yet another reference to something strictly Earth related that should never have made it into the final cut.
When Anakin first sees Padme (actually Queen Amidala) he says, "Are you an angel?" When she asks him what he's talking about he says, "They live on the moons of Iego, I think." He didn't have to say the moons of Iego bit. While I agree that being confronted by Natalie Portman for the first time face to face may make a man say strange things, this scene is totally unnecessary. It's a reference to Earth religious concepts that Lucas attempted to save with the whole "moons of Iego" bit that just doesn't work. Then Anakin talks about how pirates mention these Angels. This is Ancient Greece... this sort of thing wouldn't happen. This is a needless reference to the fact that Anakin and Amidala are eventually going to "hook up". Everyone knows it is going to happen, I see no need making reference to it in the first line of damn dialogue that the two characters share! I would have preferred him saying something less romantic along the lines of "You make my ding-dong feel funny." Or "I may not know what puberty is yet, but you're kinda hot."
When Qui-Gon offers Republic credits to Watto, Watto isn't interested. Qui-Gon attempts to use the Jedi Mind Trick to get him to accept the offer. Watto then says: "What you think you're some kinda Jedi, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Toydarian. Mind tricks don'ta work on me, only money." How is it that a creature can have a Force-Proof head? Watto's head didn't look all that unusual. One of Jacques's least favorite of the Timothy Zahn novels (which I rather enjoyed and consider a much more real part of the Star Wars universe than Episode I) was this special material that could repel the Force. In retrospect I believe that Jacques is right. The Force shouldn't be like an X-ray or radiation or something. Something that powerful should not have a kryptonite. This brings us to the question of: "What is a Jedi mind trick?" Does it use the force at all? If so then why don't Toydarians make all the Jedi their bitches?
Somewhere around the time that Watto (the alien who owns Anakin and flies around) is introduced I remember thinking to myself "How many damned aliens are there in this Universe?" I understand that the universe is big and that Lucas is trying to show how diverse this galaxy is but how realistic is it that every movie introduces new aliens as minor characters? Where is Watto's race during Episode IV? I get sick of seeing one of every alien while all of the important characters are usually human. It would have been a lot cooler if Jar Jar was a Sullustan (Nien Nunb) or a Mon Calamari (Admiral Akbar). Both are aquatic type aliens that we would have been familiar with; it would have made a lot more sense to see them. You could say: "Oh... so that's how the Mon Calamari eventually became such strong supporters of the rebellion!" Instead of: "Oh no... I hate the Gungans!"
Sebulba might as well be wearing a leather jacket, have greased back hair and have a pack of Marlboros rolled up in his shirt sleeve. This guy is just a classic movie bully with no substance. I'm sure we all enjoyed him giving Jar Jar a good thrashing but I maintain that he could have been toned down a bit.
Anakin built C-3P0
I will not accept that fact that Anakin built C-3P0. I won't do it. You can torture me in a scene reminiscent of the finale in Braveheart and I will cry out "Freedom!" rather than admit to this horse shit. Anakin simply didn't build C-3P0, end of story. Anakin says that he's good at building things. I'll believe that. My friend's nine-year old son used to build stuff and wire up all the home electronics. That I'll believe. Anakin built a Pod Racer. I will even believe that. I will entertain the notion that he may have put C-3P0 together using an "Assemble Your Own Robot" home kit but I doubt that they give those away to slave boys. I have one simple defense to prove that he didn't build C-3P0: Anakin Skywalker--the ten year old boy--does not know 6,000,000 forms of communication. Does Anakin Skywalker have experience with binary loadlifters? No. We know that C-3P0 does. Does Anakin Skywalker know how to speak Ewok? I doubt it. C-3P0 can. Does Anakin Skywalker know how to understand moisture vaporators? Probably not since he's not a machine (yet). The only language (other than the main language that they speak [which Lucas would probably call "English]) that Anakin knows is Huttese. I'll accept the fact that maybe he was lying to try to impress Padme in hopes that she would sleep with him. I hope that's what it was because otherwise I'm very upset with this turn of events.
"I'm not sure this floor is entirely stable."
Again I was forced to deal with embarrassment for acts I was not responsible for. Damn you, George Lucas! This is just another in a long line of cheap jokes Lucas makes to try to win over the die hard Star Wars fans by making them think he's "hip". This doesn't work. It's about as cool as when he edited in Bobba Fett into the first movie. It's a pointless, cheap and unacceptable way to gain approval from your fans. I have a better idea for how to gain approval from your fans: STOP SUCKING! Instead of keeping your damned movies under lock and key, allow a small percentage of trusted fans to see your movies before they are released. A simple test screening could have fixed a lot of big problems with Episode I. It probably couldn't have convinced Lucas that the millions of dollars spent generating the Jar Jar scenes would have to go but it at least could have fixed some of the other reasons this movie was such a disappointment.
"C-3PO, meet R2-D2."
Yet again I am embarrassed. As if it weren't obvious enough who these two droids we're dealing with are, it is shoved in our face yet again! We get it! The droids were there... they're meeting! They're later going to be inseparable robot buddies! Enough already! Just about the only character from a previous movie that was introduced well was Bib Fortuna. He walked quietly on and off the screen with no unnecessary splendor. I don't get it because George Lucas seemed to have developed this entire school of thought in the first three movies. He would create these huge expensive sets just to blow them up or have them pass in the background for just a few seconds. Now he seemed to be just abandoning this philosophy for cheap thrills. The beauty of a movie like this is that it's going to be watched many many times by many many stupid people. You can afford to not have every joke and nod to the other movies not be so dead center. It was around this point in the film I remember being reasonably certain I would have to watch Selacious P. Crumb walk by and stand in front of the camera for fifteen minutes while waving, winking and setting off flares.
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Slaves have microchips in their heads.
Slaves have microchips in the head so that if a slave escapes they can blow the slave up. What more do I have to say? That's really stupid.
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