Written by: Chefelf
Edited by: Jacques


The following is a special teaser for the upcoming xx Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode III articles which will be coming this May to lanceandeskimo.com.

Keep in mind that I have remained spoiler free and know nothing about the upcoming Episode III other than the things I have been unable to avoid. Please don't email me to tell me about how I don't know about something in the movie. I'm not worried about spoiling the movie for myself, I simply don't care and I can't be bothered to do the research.

So, with no research whatsoever, I feel I am in a good position to take a critical look at the next Star Wars movie, four months before its release! Here's what I know so far...

Reason #1
Shameless Episode IV Footage
The teaser trailer (which you can watch here) is littered with references to the past movies. We are treated to footage from Episode IV to remind us that these two sets of movies are related to one another. Shots of Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi open up the Revenge of the Sith trailer.

"I wonder what it was like when Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen were just boyfriend and girlfriend..."

Reason #2
General Grievous
General Grievous does not appear at any point in the Revenge of the Sith teaser trailer, but I feel that he is far too important to not make it into my teaser trailer.

The first thing I thought when I heard of this new character was that it sounds almost exactly like "General Grievance", which is convenient because that is exactly what I have with this new character. Certainly I know very little about General Grievous. I avoided any spoilers and teasers so I would not run the risk of spoiling* Episode III. Am I going to let an overall ignorance of this character stop me from passing judgment? Hardly.

It is worthy of noting that General Grievous is said to "hunt Jedi for sport". He wears the lightsabers of his conquered foes around his belt as a trophy. He also stepped up from within the ranks of the Confederacy of Independent Systems to lead them in battle against the Republic. He's got a lot on his plate, yet he still manages to find the time to be the president of the Insane Clown Posse Fan Club.

"I need to wear this cloak or I will catch a nasty chill while I devastate your planet!"

It remains to be seen just how ridiculous General Grievous will be when all is said and done. He's certainly right up there with Darth Maul as far as silly looking villains go. It's a bit confusing now as to who all the different bad guys in this movie are going to be and exactly how they will be related. We will apparently have Dooku, Vader and Grievous at various parts of the movie. At some point, everyone but Vader will most likely be killed.

Furthermore, what's with General Grievous's cloak? Is he chilly? Is there a Mama Grievous who calls out to him in warning that he will "catch his death of cold" if he doesn't bundle up. I am greatly looking forward to the possibility that he may wear mittens while he ruthlessly slays the Jedi.

* I prefer to wait until late May, when most Star Wars prequels tend to spoil themselves.

Reason #3
Wookiee Braveheart
There appears to be some scene where wookiees, dressed like ancient 13th Century Scottish warriors, raise an army to fight someone. Presumably, they are fighting against the Empire, which could explain their status as a slave race in the original trilogy. I may be wrong, but they appear to be performing some sort of wookiee version of the movie Braveheart. Again, I'm not certain, but judging by the footing and hand gestures it appears that there is an 85% chance that they are doing a musical version of the film.

"They can take our lives, but they'll never take away our FREEDOM!"

Reason #4
This Guy
At one point in the movie, this guy will snarl at Obi-Wan Kenobi. It is unclear why he is snarling, but, judging by his disregard for dental hygiene, I would wager that he is not to be trusted.

Tion Meddon

"You'd snarl too if your face was made of corduroy."

Reason #5
Gratuitous Use of Episode IV Hair Buns
There is another shot where we are treated to some good old-fashioned Organa/Amidala family hair buns. This serves as a reminder that Padme will be the mother of Luke and Leia. Oops. I hope I haven't given anything away!

"Your mother wanted you to have these when you were old enough," said Bail Organa to a young Princess Leia. According to ancient Nabooian tradition, hair buns are handed down from mother to daughter.

Reason #6
Evil, Cackling Fool Darth Sidious Fool
Apparently, Lucas seems to feel that the Emperor we are presented with in Return of the Jedi is far too understated. The evil that the Emperor posses is very subtle. Gritting of teeth, maniacal laughing, pale skin, lizardlike yellow eyes and lightning bolts shooting from his fingers are all very gentle hints that this man may be evil. Ultimately, it is up to the viewer to determine for him or herself.

In Revenge of the Sith, the Emperor's evil is a little less subtle as it appears he is even more pale and wrinkled. He seems to cackle twice as much in the trailer for Episode III as he did in the whole of Return of the Jedi.

"Mwa ha ha ha! I'm gonna bat this one out of the park, see? Mwa ha ha ha! Heee! Heee! Hoo hoo! Hoo HOO HOO Hoo!"

He's also wielding a lightsaber in the famous Jedi "baseball bat" stance. This means we're more than likely to see a lightsaber battle between Yoda and Sidious. If Yoda's battle in Attack of the Clones is any indication, this will cause a wave of disgust to wash over us. This disgust will further be fed by the exploding heads of fanboys throughout the theater.

Reason #7
"Ben" Kenobi?
I'm convinced that Obi-Wan must suffer some sort of mental illness or head injury in Episode III that causes him to make some rather bad decisions. Firstly, he decides to hide Luke on Vader's home planet, where his stepbrother and his girlfriend live. That move is extremely questionable on Obi-Wan's part and would be better explained if he had suffered some sort of brain damage as the result of blunt force trauma to the head.

Secondly, he elects to wear traditional Jedi dress while in hiding. By wearing the ceremonial robes of the Jedi, he somehow hopes to blend in and not draw any attention to himself.

Thirdly, he changes his name to "Ben Kenobi". Given a couple of decades, that's the best that old Obi-Wan can come up with? Is he just really uncreative or are we paying witness to one of the great flaws in the Jedi Witness Protection Program? How about "Ben Shaalag" or "Ben Vereen". Lose the Kenobi bit!

I'm not sure what's sadder, his lackluster attempt at covering up his identity or the fact that Vader and the Empire never found him.

To be continued on May 19th!

Back to Chefelf's Main Star Wars Page

Reasons to Hate Star Wars

Episode I (78 Reasons to Hate!)

Episode II (64+ Reasons to Hate!)

Episode III (91 Reasons to Hate!)

The Nitpicker's Guide to Star Wars

Episode IV: Special Edition (12 Nitpicks!)

Episode V: Special Edition (8 Nitpicks!)

Episode VI: Special Edition (17 Nitpicks!)

Join the Discussion!
Chefelf's Star Wars Forum

Back to L & E