The following is a special teaser for the upcoming xx Reasons to Hate Star Wars: Episode III articles which will be coming this May to lanceandeskimo.com.
Keep in mind that I have remained spoiler free and know nothing about the upcoming Episode III other than the things I have been unable to avoid. Please don't email me to tell me about how I don't know about something in the movie. I'm not worried about spoiling the movie for myself, I simply don't care and I can't be bothered to do the research.
So, with no research whatsoever, I feel I am in a good position to take a critical look at the next Star Wars movie, four months before its release! Here's what I know so far...
The first thing I thought when I heard of this new character was that it sounds almost exactly like "General Grievance", which is convenient because that is exactly what I have with this new character. Certainly I know very little about General Grievous. I avoided any spoilers and teasers so I would not run the risk of spoiling* Episode III. Am I going to let an overall ignorance of this character stop me from passing judgment? Hardly.
It is worthy of noting that General Grievous is said to "hunt Jedi for sport". He wears the lightsabers of his conquered foes around his belt as a trophy. He also stepped up from within the ranks of the Confederacy of Independent Systems to lead them in battle against the Republic. He's got a lot on his plate, yet he still manages to find the time to be the president of the Insane Clown Posse Fan Club.
It remains to be seen just how ridiculous General Grievous will be when all is said and done. He's certainly right up there with Darth Maul as far as silly looking villains go. It's a bit confusing now as to who all the different bad guys in this movie are going to be and exactly how they will be related. We will apparently have Dooku, Vader and Grievous at various parts of the movie. At some point, everyone but Vader will most likely be killed.
Furthermore, what's with General Grievous's cloak? Is he chilly? Is there a Mama Grievous who calls out to him in warning that he will "catch his death of cold" if he doesn't bundle up. I am greatly looking forward to the possibility that he may wear mittens while he ruthlessly slays the Jedi.
* I prefer to wait until late May, when most Star Wars prequels tend to spoil themselves.
In Revenge of the Sith, the Emperor's evil is a little less subtle as it appears he is even more pale and wrinkled. He seems to cackle twice as much in the trailer for Episode III as he did in the whole of Return of the Jedi.
He's also wielding a lightsaber in the famous Jedi "baseball bat" stance. This means we're more than likely to see a lightsaber battle between Yoda and Sidious. If Yoda's battle in Attack of the Clones is any indication, this will cause a wave of disgust to wash over us. This disgust will further be fed by the exploding heads of fanboys throughout the theater.
Secondly, he elects to wear traditional Jedi dress while in hiding. By wearing the ceremonial robes of the Jedi, he somehow hopes to blend in and not draw any attention to himself.
Thirdly, he changes his name to "Ben Kenobi". Given a couple of decades, that's the best that old Obi-Wan can come up with? Is he just really uncreative or are we paying witness to one of the great flaws in the Jedi Witness Protection Program? How about "Ben Shaalag" or "Ben Vereen". Lose the Kenobi bit!
I'm not sure what's sadder, his lackluster attempt at covering up his identity or the fact that Vader and the Empire never found him.
To be continued on May 19th!