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Written by: Chefelf

Ep. I TPM

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Ep. II AOTC

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Ep. III ROTS

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Ep. IV ANH

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Ep. V ESB

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Ep. VI ROTJ

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Holiday Special

<<- Episode III Teaser Review! ->>

Reason #21
Representative Binks
Apparently the reason that this Galactic Republic has stood for 1,000 years is because of the great rules they have in place. One such rule is that if you don't feel like going to the Senate you can just have your completely unqualified fool of a friend just fill in for you and decide the fate of the entire Galaxy.

Reason #22
The Importance of Naboo
Naboo seems like a fairly average planet. Why is it that every decision in this Senate--which is so huge that the ceiling and floor are beyond the limits of human site--always ultimately becomes the decision of someone from Naboo. What about Corellia, Kashyyyk and Dantooine? What about Alderaan, Coruscant and Talus? What about Yavin, Rori and Dathomir? What about Sacorria, Arkania and Telasea? What about Bimmisaari, Ord Mantell and Rodia? Etc. Etc. Etc.

Reason #23
Anakin's First Tirade
After being with Amidala for about a day Anakin decides it's acceptable to show his true colors and he has a fit. He starts complaining about Obi-Wan saying: "It's not fair!" and "He doesn't understand!" Basically he just goes off on a completely unprompted bitchfest for no reason. He does do a fairly good job of capturing the essence of Luke from the first two movies but he also does a really good job of flipping out for no reason and yelling at people he hardly knows or hasn't seen in ten years. It would be like burdening someone at your high school reunion about how high your car tax is.

Reason #24
Anakin the Jerk
Anakin goes from being this little sweetheart in The Phantom Menace to being a complete asshole in Attack of the Clones. He's whiny, creepy, annoying, rude and arrogant. He also throws temper tantrums at two or three points in the movie. What happened to him? He was a pretty well adjusted kid and you would figure that under the guidance of the Jedi he would become even more stable. Instead he turned into a total doofus. He creeps out Amidala by just staring at her like a creepy stalker and when she says, "Please don't look at me like that," he responds by saying, "Sorry," but also displaying a sinister grin and continuing to stare at her! What kind of fool would do this and what's more is why would she be at all attracted to someone like this? There's absolutely no reason why she would fall in love with someone like this. Return of the Jedi works so hard at making the evil Darth Vader into a likeable character despite the things that he has done. This movie comes along and makes the viewer hate Anakin just because he's a total jerk. A huge hole is left in the plot as to why he became this way that just leaves us asking, "Why did Anakin become such a dickhead?"

Reason #25
Bustin' on Artoo
There's this one scene where Padme and Anakin are walking on Naboo and she says she's a little nervous and he confesses to also being nervous since this is his first assignment by himself. "Don't worry," Padme says. "We have Artoo with us." Then they both laugh about how ridiculous a concept it is that Artoo could be at all useful. Artoo beeps and if Threepio were there to translate it would probably be something along the lines of "Fuck you both."

Reason #26
The Diner
Obi-Wan decides to visit his friend, Dex--a a big disgusting creature with four arms--to ask him about the poison dart. He meets him at a Diner where Dex works. There are many problems with this scene. One is that the twelve-bar blues is playing in the background during the entire scene and that the diner just looks like something from the 1950's on a planet called Earth. Dex is able to tell just by looking at this dart what planet it comes from. That's great but if he knows apparently more than the Jedi "Analysis Archives" then why the hell is he a short order cook? Also, Obi-Wan is confident that finding where this dart is made he will locate this "bounty hunter". I believe he's taking a great deal for granted in assuming that this person could not have gotten this dart somewhere else, say at a store on another planet.

Reason #27
Inept Mystery
This mystery designed for ten year olds unfolds as Obi-Wan discovers that the planet he's looking for (where they make the darts) is not in the archives. He decides to find Master Yoda and enlist his help in finding this missing planet. In this scene a baby is able to figure out what Obi-Wan cannot, that the planet has been erased from the archive memory. "Only a Jedi could erase those files." This is what Yoda says. Why? Couldn't someone who maintains the archives do it? Or someone else who's just good with computers? I maintain that a computer expert could do this and that an average Jedi would probably not be able to. I think that the Force is great when flipping around and lifting rocks but it's probably pretty powerless when moving around ones and zeroes.

Reason #28
The United States of Naboo
Within thirty seconds there is mention that Amidala was so well loved that when her two terms were up they tried to amend the constitution but instead she went on to serve in the senate. Then it's mentioned that after four trials in the Supreme Court that Nute Gunray is still in charge of the trade federation. Two terms? Constitution? Supreme Court? This is just the United States of America! Where is the creative vision? I would be willing to bet that there are three branches to their government: The Judicial, the Legislative and the Executive. Some people read Tolkien or Heinlein for inspiration but apparently Lucas gets his inspiration from an eighth grade Social Studies book.

Reason #29
The Cloners
The entire scene just smacks of video game plot. Watching it you get the feeling that you are just playing a Sierra game from the late eighties. And it's everything, the layout of the set, the graphics, the plot and the dialogue. I spent most of the scene wishing that I had brought a mouse so that I could tell Obi-Wan to search for objects and look out the window.

Reason #30
The Kiss
In this scene the audience is left stunned as Anakin begins saying to Padme that, "I don't like sand. It's coarse and irritating and it gets everywhere. Everything here is soft and smooth." You can sense they're going to kiss but you think that you must be wrong because everything up until this point has showed Anakin to be a total numbskull and that she must be creeped out. When they begin kissing you can't help but wonder why it's happening. The music gets loud and grand but then she snaps away and the music cuts quickly leaving a decaying reverb in the theatre and it's just plain comical. You can't help but laugh out loud.

Reasons 1-10	Reasons 11-20	Reasons 21-30	Reasons 31-40
Reasons 41-50	Reasons 51-64	Additional #1	Additional #2

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