Chapter something: A most unexpected life
The woman who had the disease sat at her computer. She was wanting to write but she could not. She would be able to write later, after she met Aunt Marjpore, but at the moment she had not yet met Aunt Marjpore and so she could not write.
She was tall, about three feet and six inches, and comely as a statue from ancient Greece. She liked to sip iced tea, or long island iced tea, or strawberry daquirris. She was also a founding member of a sect of mormonism, and this was what she was writing for.
"The nation of mormon conscience hereby declares this to be a week of drinking and oblique fornication in honor of the honorable Elijah Muhammad's death." Perhaps later she would put in a bit about that foreign piece of party fuck who had accosted her. She felt very good as she continued the pamphlet. But where would she go from here ? Who would be there for her if she fell along the way? What day was it? She did not know, and it terrified her.
Her name was Virginia and she was married to aunt Marjpore now, after finally meeting him at the mormon convention. A wicked, wicked man named James Grant had hunted most of her friends down and tried to kill them, and they had escaped together in the back of a bus. A dialogue ensued on the back of the bus and they talked vuia aol instant messenger.
"Hello" She said.
"Hiya." Said James Grant.
Their eyes met and they soon fell deeply in love. So deeply they nearly drowned in the sultery sweet thickness of it. But they did not drown.
Their courtship was sultry and voluptuous. His sex drive was voracious like a lion starved of food for three days and then given a piece of venison to eat and starved for two more days and then poked with a cattle prod.
And then the lion jumped on a lamb but its trainers would not let it have the lamb but the lamb died of the injuries sustained in the attack and left behind three little lamblings. Lamblings probably isn't a word but the lion did not know that. All it knew was that it had tasted blood and must taste it again if it was to survive.
And so one night the lion escaped from its cage and went to the monkey house. It smelled of monkeys there and noone wanted to go there but children often came and mimicked the monkeys and made sounds like "oooh oooh aah aah" And they thought this was funny. But the lion did not think it was funny.
The lion was not in a mood to laugh. His name was Zimbabwe the lion and he was king of the jungle but he was a starving king with no courtiers to eat. Except the monkeys. He must break into their enclosure and eat them as they slept.
The lion crept into the pen over the fence which was monkey proof but not lion proof. It ate three monkeys that night but then got prodded with a cattle prod. The lion was unhappy and so he ate Aunt Julie and she was dead. Aunt Julie was a professional lion tamer while she yet lived.
But now she was dead and would be digested by the lion. The lion was happy because he was now full of her dark skinned flesh and he had a cattle prod to play with. He held it in his mouth between his molars which most lions do not have but this one did. He cattle prodded a pelican and then left it on the end table of the zoo's lounge.
The lion was bored by now and so he decided to leave the zoo and go out to make his way in the world. But there is much prejudice against escaped lions, and he would have to triumph over a great deal of adversity of he were going to make his living.
The lion did not know what sort of living he might make. Perhaps he would go to the aquarium. There he might acquire octopi. Then his next stop would be a hardware store where he could exchange one of the octopi for some duct tape. By this time the octopi would be dry enough to be taped to his head, so as to aid him in adopting the identity of Cthulu.
He began to look in the San Francisco Examiner to see what jobs there were for creatures made up by H. P. Lovecraft.
"Damn!" Cursed the lion. "All these listings for Nyarlahotep and not a one request for Cthulus! Perhaps this is not the best identity after all."
And so he adopted the identity of his dead care taker, Aunt Julie. He starred in a hilarious film called Weekend At Julie's and it's two unsucessful sequels. He was very stressed by all of this but this was an example of adversity and he had to triumph over it.
"This adversity is too much." He cried as he laid down on a bench.
Just then someone threw a dollar to him under the split second impression that he was a bum.
"Zounds!" Exculpated the lion. "Now I have enough money to pay the rent on my flat!" The lion said flat because he was an African lion and Africa was at one time colonized by Britain, and so the local wild life adopted some of the language. If the lion had come from the Dutch or French parts of Africa he would have had a French accent. Unless he had come from the Dutch part. Then he would have had a Russian accent accent.
This is because Russia is represented by a bear. Bears and lions are arch enemies and have been for at least three years, or since the end of the cold war, whichever comes first. The bears consider Russian to be their language, full of growls and backwards Rs. But the lions also like to speak many languages, for it aids them in their diplomacy when they are abroad.
The lions always distrusted the bears because bears lived not in jungles. Except for Balloo and you see how much he hated that lion he hung around with. And Ricky Ticky Tavee too. But Mostly the lion who was pretending to be a tiger but might have passed for a lion. So the dutch lions adopted Russian so they could run counter intelligence on Balloo, incase he tried to smuggle in any man-cubs. Man cubs are an introduced species and could be disastrous to Zimbabwe the lions habitat.
The lion suddenly saw two boys playing a game of Grandma Melt Controls The Ponies. Luckily they were not man cubs, or they would be disastrous for Habitat for humanity, which is a worthy charity. Their names were Miguel and Chris. However they were not the two boys already discussed, but a different set of boys playing the same game. Or were they? The lion did not know and it terrified him.
The lion ran away and continued its life as Aunt Julie. But would someone find out? These questions plagued the lion as it lay down to sleep. There was evidence. The habit of pouncing on grazing animals and severing their spinal column with a well placed bite to the neck was SO hard to break!
The lion worried also about the bones piling up in its cave. And the fact that it lived in a cave. Aunt Julie lived in a cave too but hers was bigger and had the words "Sub Way" written above its opening. This was just a regular cave. But the lion had tried to make it more homey.
Soon he would have to write subway over the mouth of the cave to throw off suspicious neighbors. And there was also the danger posed by his uncle Scar. Or is that another film. The lion did not know and it terrified him.
So, yeah, his sex drive was like the aforementioned lion, or something. Anyhow they got married.
This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 19 May 2005 - 12:01 AM