The Lord of London second in the London Nights Trilogy
#1
Posted 14 January 2005 - 12:51 AM
The Lord of London: Chapter 1 by J. M. Hoffman
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#2
Posted 14 January 2005 - 07:48 AM
I'm also wondering if Boudicca is supposed to be the lady of the same name who fought the romans in Britain nearly two thousand years ago. Interesting if she was - and her last name is that of King Arthur.
The social commentary about the modern world is very good also. If I didn't know who was writing this story, I would have figured it out when Simon went to Palestine.
![wink.gif](http://www.chefelf.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)
You had a very nice piece of dialogue in there too - "The wolf will become the shephard." That line has a lot of class. A very beautiful line that I'm sure people who read this novel would love to quote.
Overal comment - it's strong stuff, quite involving and you really establish this dark underworld in a very convincing manner. I could really picture it.
Also, it doesn't seem to require the first book to stand on its own. So you succeeded there.
Lastly, I really liked that part when they read the real note Simon had written. That was a nice touch of laughter at the end of the chapter. It's good to have humour in stories, no matter how dark they may become.
Really good work, mate. I look forward to seeing the rest of it.
#3
Posted 14 January 2005 - 08:37 AM
![wink.gif](http://www.chefelf.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?
#4
Posted 14 January 2005 - 01:44 PM
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#6
Posted 15 January 2005 - 12:47 AM
Chapter 1: The Lord of London
and here is 2
Chapter 2
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#7
Posted 16 January 2005 - 08:58 AM
However, I do like what I've read so far. It's an interesting premise of getting a warrior and putting him in a position where he needs to prevent a war.
I will read the rest of it soon but my eyes are really tired today so it won't be tonight.
Anyway, good work.
#9
Posted 16 January 2005 - 10:59 AM
I'm curious as to when you wrote this, as it seems different to your usual work. The sentences are longer, and seem a bit clumsier. For example with "Suddenly it dawned on me that he was speaking of me." the repitition of the word 'me' halts the flow of the sentence.
I'll read the second chapter at a later date, as I'm too tired at the moment. I'm glad that I came to the screening room a bit earlier tonight so that I wouldn't be too tired to read the first chapter. Good job.
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?
#10
Posted 16 January 2005 - 11:42 PM
JYAMG- Oh yeah I rather noticed that, not sure what I was on when I wrote this. Actually if you find a place where I could split it up tell me so and I'll do that because I know it needs it.
Jordan- Thanks for that semi-review... thing... yeah.
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#12
Posted 17 January 2005 - 10:23 AM
JM's official press secretary, scientific advisor, diplomat and apparent antagonist?
#14
Posted 18 January 2005 - 02:13 AM
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#15
Posted 18 January 2005 - 10:51 AM
The story is good, with an interesting premise and an involving delivery. The sentences just need a bit of a trim, that's all. Also, I think it'd be a little easier to read if you made sure that your paragraphs ended with the end of one sentence.
For some reason, I'm seeing half a sentence at the end of one paragraph and the other half at the start of the next one. It's a little irritating to the eye and also it makes it difficult to find places to pause.
Anyway, enough of the criticisms. I think you've got some good stuff in there. I especially like the depth of this underworld you've created. It's very convincing.