Posted 25 November 2005 - 04:21 PM
April 17th, 2005 CE
Dear diary,
8am
Today's going to be an ugly day, I can feel it. The metal plate that I never got put in my head in 'Nam is throbbing again. It's going to be cold and drab, with a slight chance of hail... No wait, three throbs means freezing rain.
8:15am
I knew it... I turned my head and discovered a woman I'd never seen before lying next to me with a soft smile on her face and an axe in the back of her head. Actually, I'd never had a woman in my bed period, so I was too shocked to even feel her up in desperation caused by loneliness. The moment I leapt out of bed, I tripped over my shoes and landed in my razor blade collection. On the bright side, I won't need to shave until my skin grows back. Oh, the police are here. Maybe they can sort things out.
10:37am
Finally out of the questioning room. It was quite embarrasing having to get hauled into the police station in nothing but an immodest bathrobe, but using some advanced crime scene techniques (they discovered that there's no way I could swing an axe, given how bad my carpel tunnel is, let alone lodge it into the skull of a beautiful young woman). Hopefully my boss will understand when I get to work.
11:52am
Well, my boss could only have been less understanding if he was speaking Esperanto and I was clicking like an African Bushman. I'm now out of a job, depressed, almost a nervous wreck, and my rent is due tomorrow. Oh wait. My house is a crime scene, and I have no money for a hotel room. Maybe I'll be able to camp out at the mall. The scrawny security guard knows me, he might be able to help out. And if all else fails, there's always the gun shop...
1:05pm
I just had the best afternoon ever. I bribed some stupid kid to steal a CD out of a store for me, and timed it so my friend Floyd, a security guard, could chase him down in those stupid glorified golf carts they use when the guards don't feel like walking. I told Floyd what happened to me this morning and he let me ride his cart. We chased people around most of the day. OH! And there's this SWEEEEEEET Magic Eye poster of a sailboat on display. It's time for Taco Bell.
7:23pm
I'm cold and hungry. Some creepy little girls were hitting on me earlier as they walked by. I'm still not sure if they were making fun of me or serious... Either way, they're about 10 years too young to be my type. It's raining, and I'm curled up on the street in my coat under my umbrella. Apparently my income is too low for the police to support my hotel stay. That's what I get for not being affluent, I guess. I've also been kicked in the ribs twice, and the plate that's not in my head is throbbing so much that I can barely think straight.
11:01pm
A friendly and attractive young burnette found me huddled on a bench and sat down to talk with me in the cold downpour. I explained my plight and she has offered me a place to stay the night - her couch. I'm a bit wary, as I'd rather not have my skin end up as a lamp shade, but at this point I figure "What the hell? It can't get much worse." And no diary, the possiblity that anything will happen tonight besides me sleep in a warm and dry place hasn't entered my mind. I'm not the sort of guy that's attractive and charming enough to even get a date, let alone have a woman pick me up on the street when I've been out in the rain for hours and haven't eaten anything substantial since lunch. She's getting impatient, so I'd better head out. I'll write you later, assuming I'm not slashed up.
Here's to the world taking a break from punching me in the face,
Dan Stevenson
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