[barend]

you had a head start...

[Chyld]

Dude! A restaurant! Don't plant that seed in my mind, or I'll damned well do it!

Hilarious stuff, y'all.

[Just your average movie goer]

you had a head start...

Actually, if you check the dates of the first posts in each thread, you'll find that I started some time after you.

[Slade]

Thank you, we'll keep reporting the news as we make it up!

But will the people travel in tubes?!

[SimeSublime]

Chefelf5. We Report, You Belive.

[J m HofMarN]

That we do Sime, that we do. And now let's go with a headline.

Slade elected pope of Chefelf forums, takes name Pope Sladadict the 1st



In his first address as the grand high muckymuck of all Chefelflics Slade promised to uphold the rigid edicts of the Chefelflic church. He delivered a stern warning to many of the forums more divergent members:

"Play nice or I WILL poke you with the stick. The earthly voice of god dosnt like to use the stick, so lets try to be nice."

He was also adamant on the church's policy against flaming, declaring from a balcony on St. Peters Basilica:

"When you flame, god kills kittens."

Reactions to his papification were mixed. Use the force seemed quite displeased and commented:

"[expletive] you guys! I'm leaving forever again and this time it really is forever!"

While Queen Amidala was more optimistic, saying: "I hope that you will bring sanity back to the republic, and you should listen to me because I'm not like sand."

A noted follower of religious thingies, Pokey The Penguin, had this to say about the pontiff:

"YES!!!!!!"

The cardinals of the Chefelflic church elected Slade pope by chanting "Eiyatos Dominae" hitting themselves in the faces with wood, and then continuing "Dominae es requiae"

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 20 April 2005 - 02:14 AM

[SimeSublime]

It just wouldn't be a news article without Monty Python.

[Slade]

Go in peace, my children.

[Just your average movie goer]

Very nice.

[floppydisk]

Congradulations on your election, Slade. I may yet have hope for the Catholics of this world.

[barend]

w00t and so on...!!!

[J m HofMarN]

Floppydisk, you're suppose to call him "your holiness"

[Slade]

What's in a title? As long as he doesn't insult me he can call me whatever he wants, but unless he uses Slade I won't know he's talking to me.

[J m HofMarN]

Parents who let Jackson sleep with kids stunned to learn that he's a wierdo.



Chefelf5 News brings you the latest from the happiest place on earth since the OJ Simpson trial ended. That's right, the Michael Jackson trial!

The parents of several children who spent time with Michael Jackson took the stand today and we offer a free transcript of their testimony.

Prosecutor: Just what were your impressions of Michael Jackson when you first saw him?

Mr. Twitty: Well, he was missing half his nose and his hair was hanging down infront of his face in oily tangles, and his skin looked like it had been horribly bleached, and he was wearing a surgical mask and he kept grabbing his crotch. Naturally I thought "He looks like a fine person to babysit the little 'uns."

Prosecutor: And when did you start having doubts about him?

Mr. Twitty: When he began to have sex with my kids.

Prosecutor: And have you found new child care since then?

Mr. Twitty: Oh, absolutely. I sent them to a day care run by some chap named BTK in Kansas City.

Prosecutor: I rest my case.

Defense: So, Mr. Twitty, how exactly did you pay for your child's daycare services?

Mr. Twitty: With the money I extorted from Michael Jackson, of course.

Defense: So you shoved your kids into compromising situations with him knowing he was a weirdo so that you could later make accusations against him in return for large amounts of hush money?

Mr. Twitty: Yup.

Defense: So, what's it like to be a fucking douche bag?

People outside were stunned. Commented one mother:

"What's the world coming to when we can't even trust the men our children sleep with?"

And that's the latest from the Jackson courtroom. Stay tuned, in our nine oclock hour we'll go over a play by play analyses of the molestation with our sports commentator. Here's a clip.

Now you can see from the graphic of the Jackson bedroom that there is limited space. Jackson's really going to have to push the offense towards the closet area. If you're in the kid's corner though it's all a pretty clear match. The kid's going to have to try to stay away from the bed and work the running game. As long as the defense can keep their pants up they're going to make it very difficult for Jackson to score.

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 28 April 2005 - 08:57 PM

[J m HofMarN]

Chefelf five sports brings you...

JACKSON VS SOME KID 2005!!!!!!!

Our tech people created a special Michael Jackson simulation. Here's a screen capture from it.



From this simulation (run on the Sega genesis system) we've been able to piece together what happened on the night of the molestation. To help with color comentary here's our sportscaster, Chuck Billman.

JH: Now, Chuck, what are your thoughts on the two combatants?

CB: Well, the kid clearly has the speed and, strangely enough, strength advantage. All that surgery seemed like it might have put Jacko on his backo for the whole season but he's been rearing to get back into things and frankly I think he's got a good chance this season, and he has the home court advantage.

JH: Alright, now what are your thoughts on the field exactly?

CB: Now you can see from the graphic of the Jackson bedroom that there is limited space. Jackson's really going to have to push the offense towards the closet area. If you're in the kid's corner though it's all a pretty clear match. The kid's going to have to try to stay away from the bed and work the running game. As long as the defense can keep their pants up they're going to make it very difficult for Jackson to score.

JH: So tell us what you observed in the first quarter. Let's get up an image of the bedroom if we can.



CB: Well you can see that the kid's team started out in the M zone, aka the bed. Now that's definately not somewhere thats safe for them to be so they try to get somewhere more comfortable. Jackson leaps over the TV sets in a straight line, but the kid was faking and instead he was going to go for the door straight away but you can see that the second defensive television is too much for him to get passed.

JH: Yeah he seemed to be having a lot of trouble on that play.

CB: Well yeah, but Jackson made a critical error here. Instead of going in for the tackle he jumped on the couch and did the old grab-own-crotch play. That cost him valuable time while the kid moved down the field.

JH: Would you say that's really where Jackson lost the game?

CB: Well, yes and no, J. M. You see, Jackson still could have won if he had completed a grab-own-nuts play. He moved to the table to do it and he figured he could let the TVs hold the line. However you can see in the graphic that the kid threw the smaller television at him, and so Jackson went off to the sidelines in the bathtub.

JH: By league rules that should have been a foul right?

CB: The refs didn't catch it. You gotta be quick in this game and thats just what the kid did. You can see he blew right past the remaining defense. The ottoman, the easy chair AND the kitchen counter were too stunned by his play to try to stop him, and he went all the way to the touchdown. This is definately a highly unorthodox yet very effective play.

JH: Thank you for your insight and goodnight.

CB: It was a pleasure.

JH: Join us tomorrow for more inanity, and remember, your children are only safe when you watch Chefelf5. We protect them. But if you stop watching us, something unfortunate could happen to them, if you know what I mean.