First we get a glimpse into the dogs home lives, which are awful. One of them has a horrible white rapper kid and dances with him, one of them is fat and has a matching fat kid, and one of them, mudbud I believe, enjoys mud. Remember the scene in beethoven where the huge saint bernard shakes off? Imagine it with a scrappy golden retriever puppy only the puppy shakes, and then the shot cuts to walls and people being spattered with a bucket full of mud that is a different color than that which is on the dog. It is fortunate they got into space when they did, because any sensible parent would have had any animal capable of creating such a mess put to sleep within days.
Then the puppies, whose parents "actors" are long since dead, decide to go see a space port for no reason. One of them has a boy who wants to see the moon or some such nonsense, the others motivation consists of one of the dogs frequently demanding that they "come on." And thanks to the worst security team possible, they just wander onto the rocket. Normally Nasa would jump at a chance to seem interesting in any way whatsoever, but they clearly were loathe to let these guys defame them, and rightfully so considering such security lapses. So instead we get Vision company, whose control team is made up of about six people. They get to this location on a field trip bus, which they disembark by, and this is great right here, toppling an old teacher onto the asphalt. While she lays there the six dogs trundle over her, followed in short order by an entire bus full of youngsters. This presents two problems:
First, she would have died.
Second, there are people online who would totally get off to watching her die in that fashion.
We also get introduced to our villain in addition to those six, a smug employee whose job seems to be to sabotage everything done by the mission controller, captain Ferret pants. He also has a pretty clearly gay chinese secretary... thing. Not just gay, but I'm pretty sure there's an S&M thing going on there, because his chinese secretary is not permitted to speak, a fact he makes clear every time the poor guy tries to say something about dogs sneaking onto the space ship, or the uncomfortable position of his nipple clamps.
So yadda yadda, dogs go to a space station, where we meet our sub-villain, who keeps to the theme of ethnic or national stereotype evil doers. He is a Russian who drinks "Space Juiice" constantly. They CLEARLY wanted it to be vodka, since its also apparently used to fuel the ship, but the G rating has pussied out. When in my day a character could get drunk and smoke a cigarette in a G movie, in the modern day a character cant even be seen to drink space juice. So he pantomimes drinking from an empty glass. Then he wants to enslave the buddies or something. Then his dog makes him dance until he passes out. If you play enough bartok music a Russian will dance himself into a coma, apparently. Speaking of Russians, the space station and uniforms for them are awash in both communist red hammer and sickle flags, and oddly the more modern red white and blue tricolor flag so I'm not sure which Russians these are.
Anywho, dogs escape and BLOW UP THE FUGGING SPACE STATION, (the CGI for the explosion is actually decent) head to the moon for no reason.* Wander around on the lunar surface and are called back to the ship by a ferret. On the approach to the moon one of the Spacebuddies refs the Death Star. Speaking of shite dialogue, every line written for the home-dogg or whatever is cringe inducingly bad. I think he says hizzy once or twice. I cannot imagine the perversion of a life that is the existence of whoever actually wrote this screen play. Can you picture sitting down and seriously writing out:
"Int, space station, day time in space:
Cosmonaut dog: "He brews space juice to drink and also fuels the space station with it!"
Home dog: "We got to get the space juice to power our ship back to our hizzie, yo!"
And then SHOWING it to another human being???
*Actually the Russian dog says that it has always been his dream to go to the moon. First of all, no it hasnt, his stated motivation for most of the movie was to return to his girly named kid Sasha down in whereverthefuck Russia. Secondly, that is one ridiculously ambitious dog.
Some more stuff happens, meteor shower, and the fat dog, who is fat, has to fart his way out of the ship to fix whatever went wrong. Then they get home, and the bad guy is captured for sabotaging the mission, despite the fact that the sabotage of the mission seems to be his only employment there in the first place. The ending is accompanied by ridiculous news footage of the dogs return that I kept praying would be cut with footage from Challenger or Columbia**. It also had reaction shots from, I shit you not, a mexican bar that serves empty glasses of would-be liquer to dogs, and just as inexplicably the queen of england and her dogs.
** This wouldnt have looked right as the creators clearly werent allowed to use the design of the space shuttle for their stupid dog ship. Instead they just ripped off the design of the X-jet of Xmen fame, right down to the vertical landing stuff (it still has wheels though for some reason?) I kept expecting Wolverine to hop out at any moment and call someone "Bud" haha get it? I'm a laugh riot!
I cant even tell you the best lines of this movie. There are just so many. I think my favorite scene though is when the dogs escape. They steal all the guys food, and make him give them all his "space juice" fuel, then lock him out of their ship after taking his dog onboard. The fuel line springs a leak and he bangs on the hatch. Sparks fly and fire ensues. He is engulfed in flames and runs away screaming, followed by explosions. The shuttle disembarks and then the entire station blows to bits. Teach him to want puppies! The creators are careful to point out that he gets away in the escape pod though, but it just shows him hurtling off and drifting into the vastness of space Darth Vader style.... Like how when a giant plane explodes, you'll always see parachutes (explosion proof ones) come out. Considerate really, and also teaches children that you can blow shit up, and as long as poeople wear parachutes its ok.
Stay tuned thius November for Santa Buddies, the film that, no matter how much I beg, will not shift its third, fourth and fifth letters around for me. Just one lousy counter-clockwise rotation is all I ask!
This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 02 July 2009 - 12:48 AM