Statue Vandal Strikes Again
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Florence, Italy - In a shocking turn of events, the second statue in three years has been brutally defaced by the application of clothing to cover its nude portions.
Sometime last weekend, a still unlocated criminal broke into the Galeria dell'Academia in Florence Italy and placed a pair of Jeans on Michelangelo's statue of David. This museum is just one of hundreds left, and like all museums, is filled with lots of crap no one really cares about. Except for the curator of the museum, who we were unable to contact because she died last year in her apartment and no one noticed. Her bones had apperently been picked clean by her fifty starving house cats, and despite the axe found in the back of her head, foul play is not suspected. The police have been questioned concerning the vandalism to the statue.
"Well, we thought it was former United States Attorney General John Ashcroft up to his old tricks again." Florince Police Chief Bento stated inbetween bites of a heaping plate of spaghetti. "But mama mia, he had an alibi." According to one of his aides, Ashcroft was busy snorting cocaine at the reported time of the incident. Ashcroft was labeled a prude and a total nutcase three years ago for having the breasts of the statue of Lady Justice covered up while he gave a speach in front of it. We can only assume the temptation to rape the statue would have been to great to withstand.
Detective Chumps Grimbo has hypothesized that this is the work of a copy-cat vandal. "I think that this is the work of a copy-cat vandal." He says. "We see stuff like this all the time. People idolize people in positions of power and imitate them as a form of flattery. One time two kids saw Chuck norris light a man on fire and kick him out of a three story window into a storehouse of flammable chemicals on Walker: Texas Rangerand then tried it themselves. It just sickens me that people will actually stoop to such depravity in this day and age. We drag in twenty people a day for tearing tags off of matresses because they saw it on that Grand Theft Auto game." Grand Theft Auto is a video game series where one is allowed to commit any sort of crime he can think of and then get away with it. As of such, it is insanely popular in backwards countries like the United States and shunned in countries like Chekistan because they can not afford televisions.
Strangely enough, there was absolutely no evidence left at the scene of the crime. The jeans placed on the statue are completely generic and made by child slave labor in Taiwan like most clothing worn by our highly advanced western civilization. "The guy was good. Too good..." Officer Barvlowski thinks that this is no copy cat. "This was clearly an attack by a highly skilled burgler with cyber-ninja like skills." He states. Only a very few groups in the entire world could plan an attack so perfectly that an underpaid down on his luck hard boiled detective couldn't solve. The NRA, The 5th Union Chapter of the American Legion, NASA, and the Mormons.
Charlton Heston was unavailible for comment becuase he was busy shooting Arab-Americans, but an inside source says that the style was entirely wrong for an attack. Past reports of NRA dealings normally involve bullets and/or high explosives. NASA's attack would have failed miserably by equipment malfunction and would have taken three years in order to put into effect. And the 5th Union Chapter was at bingo night on the night the visual defecation took place.
However, we at ChefElf5 News only had to wait moments for a group of Mormons to stop by the station and attempt to show us the truth of the one true God, though they did not seem to have any idea who would have commited the crime. "We don't know who did it, but we're thankful." A woman with fifty children trailing behind her said. When pressed for information, her companion, a man with three women around his two arms added, "Having nudity is entirely unnatural and the complete opposite of what God's will on Earth is. People should never look at one another naked, ever. Genitalia are the devil's creations!"
We asked God for a comment. "What? No! I made genitalia, and I'm proud of them. Nothing else so bizarre as copulation could be seen as so beautiful by humans! I mean, have you ever
watched two people reproducing? I can't help but laugh every time I see it. And I didn't make clothes, I don't care whether you all wear clothing or not. You were born naked, but you're also hairless and need warmth." We were interrupted when Colonel Sanders arrived with a fresh batch of popcorn chicken and began feeding it to God.
"We have no leads as to who could have done this." The Florince police department said. "But since it happened at a museum, we don't have the resources to investigate further. But do not worry, the moment our pasta shops and television stations come under attack, we will serve and protect!"
Police are still looking for clues as to the purpurtraitor of this heinous crime. Any information about the incident should be turned into the Florince Police Department. Rewards in pizza will be offered for leads that result in successful arrests.
This post has been edited by Slade: 18 April 2005 - 12:08 AM