Then I played the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney games and my hatred balanced itself out a bit.
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Just like all games worshipped by the wapanese, Phoenix Wright has a cast of characters that have become Internet celebrities. These characters include:
Phoenix Wright
Phoenix is a spiky-haired ex-raver who wandered into law school one day while he was high and decided to stick around. Then he murdered Mia Fey's boyfriend, or something like that. Needs kids and dead people to help him solve the most obvious of cases. He is not a real attorney, as he doesn't even know how to check his own fucking pockets for evidence prior to the start of the game. He is known for obnoxiously shouting "OBJECTION!" while childishly pointing at the prosecution before being embarrassingly shut down by every character in the courtroom. He's also gay for Miles and anyone else if you think about it long enough. Has a stepladder fetish. In the 4th (or 5th, it doesn't matter at this point) game, he becomes a hobo with a snow hat that truly reveals his hidden homosexuality.
The Judge
A geriatric brainless clueless dickless bag of horse testicles. Needs everything explained to him over 9000 times before he understands what's going on, then still doesn't know exactly what it means. Naturally he's biased towards the prosecution, as all good judges are, and basically wails on you with legalese whenever you fuck up (read: all the time).
He also has a somehow Canadian brother, but he doesn't show up until the third game.
Mia Fey
Phoenix's dominatrix sex master. Tells him exactly what to do and literally commands his every action early in the game. When she dies, Phoenix is completely lost and has no idea what the fuck he is supposed to do in a courtroom. Her reappearance as main character in 3-1 and 3-4 give gamers a healthy dose of anime cleavage. Good work, Capcom!
Maya Fey
Mia Fey's younger sister. Since she is a spirit medium, her older sister contacts her from beyond the grave and informs her of Phoenix's utter incompetence, then tells her to go tell him what to do until he stops being a pussy and can make his own decisions again. Its harder than it sounds - Maya channels Mia in almost every case afterwards. She also has a bulging erection for the Steel Samurai and his Zero-Wing motto "For great justice".
Pearl Fey
Pearls has to be one of the only people on the face of the planet to not realise Phoenix's gayness. Then again, her abusive mother's drunken fist probably knocked any common sense out of the kid's brain. Since she's Cody Hackins' age they are automatically madly in love with each other, though they have never met. Has a boner for her artist aunt.
Miles Edgeworth
The prosecuting attorney that you deal with in EVERY SINGLE CASE, unless Manfred von Karma is prosecuting (which only happens once). Obviously a Fop, most likely gay. Apparently never lost a case until Phoenix Wright showed up, but he's not above making shit up to win cases. Fag. Is saddled with unnecessary feelings, lulz. for some reason this renard can not point straight all ways pointing slightly down (were talking groin area) yet more evidence that he is gay as good old pheonix would say "take that edgeworth harder harder i pwned ur ass". So obviously gay that all Edgy-female pairings are instantly cannon.
Manfred von Karma
Edgeworth's morbidly-obese and generally morbid German sex master. He killed Edgeworth's dad, then raised him to be a homosexual douchebag prosecutor. Never lost a case in his 40 year career, until Phoenix Wright shows up and not only beats him in the court of law, but proves that he is guilty of murder through batshit theatrics.
Franziska von Karma
Manfred von Karma's daughter. Decided not to stay in the kitchen and left Germany to kick Phoenix's ass for making Miles gay. She carries around a whip to prove she is superior, which we all know is not true because she is a woman. Calls Miles "Little Brother" but is somehow paired with him anyways. Not creepy.
Godot
Known as the series' ultimate douchebag. He reads Maxim, calls people broham, likes InuYasha, and is a rabid furry. Not only that, but he hits on little girls. Really. Game 3, case #5. See for yourself.
Detective Dick Gumshoe
Failure of a detective who, like many characters in the series, doesn't even know how to spell his own job. Always leaks secret evidence and has never gotten his facts straight on the stand in his entire life. Has a strong working relationship(GAY) with Miles.
Winston Payne
The only non-gender curious man in the series. Though he is 52, he exhibits all of the behaviors of a 13-year-old boy, such as annoying the hell out of you with his high-pitched voice, and being generally incompetent. Comes back for every. Single. Game.
Max Galactica
The only reason he's worth mentioning is because he is by far the gayest character in the entire series. He wears pink clothes, has pink hair, says, "Fantabulous!" and/or "Fabulous!" and calls Phoenix sweetie, and for some reason, proposes to a girl. What the fuck?
Jean Armstrong
Even gayer than Max Galactica. He's a French aromatherapist who runs a shitty overpriced restaurant and thinks he's a girl while attracting sparkles and rose petals and shit. At the beginning of case #3 in game 3, he wants to fuck Phoenix's doppelganger, Furio Tigre.
Dahlia Hawthorne
Phoenix's bitch when he was a college stoner. Still holds a grudge against him because the fire-breathing dragon that lives in her vagina turned him gay. Gets pwned by a noose in the end.
The Judge's brother
He is Canadian and, therefore, not worth mentioning.
Apollo Justice
The Attorney formerly known as Lawboy Fagsgay, Forehead, Sleeves, and "That guy with the hair", and is the brand spanking new main character of GS4. Why? Because everybody needed a break from the old characters and Naruhobo is hilarious and fun to say. Aha ha ha. Polly is a freaking wimp afraid of heights, loud noises, head-mastribators (see Daryan Crescend), Mr Hat, salt, unicorn horns, gangsta ABDs, stepladders, and panties. He's too new to be made fun of too much but is definitely gay (see case 2 game 4) Goes on a magical tic-seeking adventure via putting his nose on his bracelet and inhaling deeply.
Daryan Crescend
I can't make this crap up. Masturbates with a comb. The Almighty Capcom claims he was based off a shark. Shark. That's the first thing you think when you see him. S-h-a-r-k. Dickhead. Pun intended. Is gay for Machi and Klavier... At the same time. Fans enjoy hours of enjoyment in mocking the talking skunk penis.
Machi Tobaye
He no speek engrish much but he duz crossdresser gud. Talks in some made up gibberish thing where one of the letters is a suggestively posed man that was probably based off an embarrassing Edge-Wright yaoi pic.
http://objection.mrd...o.php?n=2440158http://objection.mrd...o.php?n=2440165http://objection.mrd...o.php?n=2440172Sorry for the long post, but I'm really looking forward to Yahtzee taking over this.