[Cobnat]

You know what I do when I get spam emails and/or chain letters,
I send them back to the person who sent me it,
nothing big,
but since I started doing that no one has sent me chain letter ever again,
spam is still annoying me but not as much as before.

Anyway, this one time I got this chain letter from some random wish had all these blonde jokes on it, since Im not blonde, I laughed, but at the bottom it read:

Send this email to 20 people
(thats right, it said 20)
in the next 20 minutes!
(there was not way I could find twenty people in twenty minutes)

Then it read:

------------------------------------------
DO NOT BRAKE THE CHAIN!!!
If you do a ghost will aprear (thats right "aprear") at midnight tonight and kill you.
------------------------------------------


I shook of the warning, as one would do, becouse everyone knows that these chain letters are started by jocks or playgirls who have have nothing better to do (or the brain power to do anything else) other then to piss people off with chain letter that read "...a ghost will aprear at midnight tonight and kill you".

Anyway, later that night, I was trying to sleep, as one does, and at exactly One O'clock am, a transperant figure appeared infront of me, I wasnt worried, evern if the chain letter was correct it still said midnight. The figure started waving around some kind of knife looking object (possibly a knife) and said "I have come to claim your life, you did not heave the warning of the sacred chain letter" in a voice that suprisingly sounded a lot like Andy Dick, I pointed at the clock and said "But its 1 am! Your ment to come at midnight!" the ghost looked at me like I was the biggest idiot in the known world (I looked back like I *was* the biggest idiot in the known world) and said "Its daylight savings, didnt you remember to put your clock back?" I frowned "Well ofcourse not if Im supprised that your here, hey wait! Ah shit thats why none of my shows were on when they usely are" "Well I have come to claim your life none the less" at that point he scratched his belly, I saw my opertunity and took my mighty battle axe and chopped his dead off (dont send me angry emails asking how I could have chopped a ghosts head off it just happened ok) and was safe... for now.


________________________________________


This is a story Im working on, I would be happy if you could give me constructive criticizem, thanks.

[Revan-47]

ANDY DICK? REALLY? HES MY YOUTH PASTOR!!!!

[Deepsycher]

Well sounds to me in the style of "Scary movie 3 " about the clock being delayed. Sounds good though.


Constructively:

How can a ghost be transparent when it feels itself? Maybe you could include in the story of a bridge to a Parallel dimension.

Also to add about the chain to the end like this, "I did not break the chain, you broke your own chain as a result of stretching it too far, alongside your head" or perferably neck.

This post has been edited by Deepsycher: 28 December 2005 - 06:30 PM

[Otal Nimrodi]

ANDY DICK? REALLY? HES MY YOUTH PASTOR!!!!

Considering how many times you've said that, I feel obliged to acknowledge that you have. Since he must be relatively famous, or you wouldn't keep mentioning it, and I am too lazy to look on google to figure out who he is, I shall say... OMG!!!!!!! THAT IS SO COOL!!!!! Of course, that's just based on an assumption, I don't know for sure.

[Revan-47]

no hes not famous, just extremely cool and canadian(ok not really canadian but he lives in minnesota and thats close enough)

[Cobnat]

Well sounds to me in the style of "Scary movie 3 " about the clock being delayed. Sounds good though.
Constructively:

How can a ghost be transparent when it feels itself? Maybe you could include in the story of a bridge to a Parallel dimension.

Also to add about the chain to the end like this, "I did not break the chain, you broke your own chain as a result of stretching it too far, alongside your head" or perferably neck.

1. Really, Ive seen Scary Movie 3 4 times, I cant remember anything like that at all.

2. "How can a ghost be transparent when it feels itself?" That is a good question and it requires a good anwser, therefore I can only answer you in exspresive dance....

3. "I did not break the chain, you broke your own chain as a result of stretching it too far, alongside your head" I have no idea what your talking about, therefore I shall answer you in exspresive dance....

[Otal Nimrodi]

Say, is this a story we can expect more of?

[Deepsycher]

Hi there, I like to compare scenes, sometimes a bit unusual to people's taste.

[quote]Also to add about the chain to the end like this, "I did not break the chain, you broke your own chain as a result of stretching it too far, alongside your head" or perferably neck.

I meant by this: To include the ghost to wear a chain necklace to resemble the "chain emails" to the "victims of spam". This time he just happened to get his own chains stretched until it went through his neck, abstract to how you "chopped his head off with the battle axe" which broke the chain of emails happening again.

See what I mean? Not sure if you see the associations.


Quote "1. Really, Ive seen Scary Movie 3 4 times, I cant remember anything like that at all."

Oh sorry, did not explain to the scene in detail.
You know the part where the News lady watches the cursed video (associated to The Ring), after watching, the phone rings.

Just a little association I saw, between the chain email in the story to the cursed video in the film. The ghost asked "didn't you remember to put your clock back" associated to "seven days" to live, from the scene of the phone.

Just appeared to me in that style:

In detail:

She says "Hello",
person speaks unclearly "um a"
She says "What" "Billy maize"
Person other the phone: "m gage"
She said "Who's gay" Hello"
Person over the phone: "Hear me now"
She said "What"
"Can you hear me now"
"Kind off"
"Can you hear me now"
"Yes Perfect"
"Seven days"
"Oh am I doing to die next Monday?"
"Yes"
"No wait Monday, that'll be seven business days, this is seven days starting now"
"So seven days to this very hour?"
"My watch broke how am I going to know the exact hour?"
"Forget hours, this day, seven days from now"
"But there is a holiday coming up, do you count a holiday as a day"
"Well that depends what holiday"
"Martin Luther King day"
"Then no"
"Why not, everybody at work is taking it off"
"Jesus Christ lady I am giving you seven frigging days, I can come over there now and kill the s**t out of you, if you rather have that".



Does this make better sense to you now on what I meant?

This post has been edited by Deepsycher: 28 December 2005 - 09:52 PM

[Cobnat]

Say, is this a story we can expect more of?

If you want I can post part two of my demo, but I havent written it yet.

[Yahtzee]

If you want I can post part two of my demo, but I havent written it yet.

Nah, that's OK, buddy, keep it to yourself.

[Cobnat]

Nah, that's OK, buddy, keep it to yourself.

You know I was thinking about not posting it, but now Im gonna post it just for you (since you like my story so much)

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The Next day I was worried about what I would do if I got another chain letter (this also reminded me that I had a rotting ghost corpse in my room and it was started to smell), I decided what any normal sensible person would decide, I had decided to shut down the World Wide Web (I did actualy decide first to just not go on online but if I have to give up the net, then everyone has to, otherwise it wouldnt be fair).

So I needed a plan to shut down the the World Wide Web , and possibly global communications (if I get the chance), my plan was to fry everyone computer on the planet with a really big E.M.P bomb (No Joke, theres actualy a thing called EMP).

I realised that I needed someone to aid me on this mission, so I went down to the local pub to search for a minion, I mean partner, I wondered the the bar until I got to the a door next to the womens bathroom, I heard something, I put my ear to the door and heard two voices talking...

Unkown Man 1: Damnit, if you dont pay us, we will have to break your legs, now I dont want to do this, but you have left us no choice.

Unkown Man 2: Com'on, you know Im good for it, Ill pay you back the money.

Unkown Man 1: Really... strange I remember you telling us that LAST TIME!!!

Unkown Man 2: Please dont shout, I have sensative ears, you know that.

<<CLICKING SOUND>>

Unkown Man 1: Dont fuck with me, now, you have 15 hours to pay back the money, ALL OF IT!

Unkown Man 2: Pffft, how much do I owe?

Unkown Man 1: 1.3 billion dollars... plus interest.

<<VERY LONG PAUSE>>

Unkown Man 2: Umm, how did I spend that in one night? I know I was drunk but...

Unkown Man 1: None of my buisness, now get out.

Unkown Man 1: None of my buisness, now get out.

Unkown Man 2: Ok, bye dad.

Unkown Man 1: Bye son.

The convosation ended as the door opened and hit me in the head, I fell on the ground and a guy helped me onto my feet. "Wow, you should be careful when you ears-drop on people" he advised,

"Yeah, Ill keep that one in mind, were you the one in there?"

"Yes, my names Jaime Duntell, but everyone calls me JD" we shook hands,

"Mines Cobnat Cabez"

"What kind of name is Cobnat?"

"Hey look, I dont go around asking what kind of name "Jaime" is"

"Thats becouse its a "normal" name, Cobnat isnt"

"Shut up" I shouted, JD sensing my anger changed the subject,

"What are you doing in this bar Cobnat? You dont look like the type"

"Im looking for someone to be my min... partner, for a job" JD looked at me with a look in his eyes, you know the look, its the look that someone get were they think your gonna get something really cool for thier birthday becouse they are rich materialistic assholes that no one likes,

"What kind of job?" JD asked... I thought for a second, "A very high-paying job" I lied,

"Really, how much?"

"Er... 1.3 billion dollars" I lied again,

"REALLY!? Amazing, I need that kind of money, infact exactly that amount of money, what luck!" JD shouted.

"HAHA... yeah, luck, anyway, if your interested, to do the job we need a giant EMP bomb"

"Oh, that cool, I got a friend of a friend that can get us that, he owes me a favor"

and off we went.

[Gobbler]

It's a nice little story, perfect for creating that certain kind of atmosphere, for example when you're about to drown yourself. I liked those bloody chainsaw parts and the sarcastic references to Billy Idol between the lines.

[Cobnat]

It's a nice little story, perfect for creating that certain kind of atmosphere, for example when you're about to drown yourself. I liked those bloody chainsaw parts and the sarcastic references to Billy Idol between the lines.

Sorry, was that a compliment?

This post has been edited by COBNAT: 29 December 2005 - 03:15 AM

[Walexei]

to be completely honest - it made me smile in places, theres definitly humour there, its just unfortunate that it doesnt flow at all and has so many spelling and grammer mistakes. I take it English is your second language? (im going to feel really evil if it isnt)

[Deepsycher]

Sounds okay until the EMP grenades, do not know of a type that can affect a global network "World Wide Web". Maybe the network there, but how about unconnected and non routable networks on the other side of the globe?

Perhaps you could state the type of EMP used, such as a developed Nuclear EMP.