[Ninja Duck]

In an effort to get me back on track with Tuahan.com, I'm trying to establish a recurring character. After a few seconds of searching the emoticons, I found just the man I need to bring glory back to the hollowed halls of the tuahan.com/essays directory! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you,



Clarence, son of a taxi driver! The part-time crimefighter whose heritage allows him to associate himself with the common layman!

That was him, by the way.

Save your rejoicing for later, fellow citizens, for Clarence needs YOUR help right now!

Because I've run right smack out of ideas.

And so, sirs and ladies, this is where you come in. We just need you to fill out a simple survey, and Clarence will be good to go! It's like an improv show, except over the course of several hours, possibly days! A lucky winner or two will not only get their ideas used, but get their picture taken with Clarence!

So, what are you waiting for! Do my thinking for me!

1. What kind of crime does Clarence fight?

2. Why does Clarence always have that insecure look on his face?

3. Where do Clarence's adventures begin?

4. No, really. Why does he have to always look like that?

5. Where are the headquarters of the modern underground Soviet Union?

Good luck, citizens!

[Chefelf]

Oh, that's EASY!

1. What kind of crime does Clarence fight?
The kind of crime that haunts us all... a car stereo theft ring!

2. Why does Clarence always have that insecure look on his face?
That's not insecurity, that's constipation.

3. Where do Clarence's adventures begin?
In the secret, underground submarine base of the ECS (Evil Crime Syndicate).

4. No, really. Why does he have to always look like that?
I told you: constipation! He should try Citrucel.

5. Where are the headquarters of the modern underground Soviet Union?
Just East of the ECS's HQ and underground submarine base. Wait... you don't think the ECS and the USSR... ahh, never mind. It's just too CRAZY to even mention!

[Ninja Duck]

Any other takers before the contest closes?

[Slade]

Clarence fights against the evils of artificial chocolate drinks. They make you think they are chocolate milk, and then you taste them, and all your tongue can process is the horrid taste that is nothing like anything else you've ever experienced except for sharing the adjective revolting with your other experiences.

Due to his bizarre up-bringing, he is constantly under attack by rabid robot ninjas programmed to spray him with hair growing formulas before killing him. He must be ever vigilant for his enemies.

His adventures must begin in New Old New New York, a borough of Sydney, Australia, some time far in the future.

He has six thousand unpaid parking tickets on his taxi.

The ECS base is located underneath the Pentagon building in Washington DC, US of A. Who would think to look there? Nobody, it's absurd!

[Emu]

1. What kind of crime does Clarence fight?
the scoundrelous sock-eating dryers, of course.

2. Why does Clarence always have that insecure look on his face?
he's afraid he'll be recognised by the Secret Society of Digiridoo Players, of which he used to be a member but has recently escaped their clutches when he found out their true motives

3. Where do Clarence's adventures begin?
on a shelf

4. No, really. Why does he have to always look like that?
his face really did stick that way

5. Where are the headquarters of the modern underground Soviet Union?
in a hot air balloon somewhere over the Pacific.

[Chyld]

Not too late, am I?

1.) He fights the greatest battle of our time - eliminating those morons who sue for stupid things like the coffee at MacDonalds being too hot.

2.) He's perpetually concerned about contracting Cretin Disease.

3.) In a small bungalow in Essex.

4.) Well, if its not concern, its a nervous twitch.

5.) Well, I think they're hidden in one of the toilets in Oxford Brookes University. There were some very strange noises coming from there when I visited...

[Ninja Duck]

Thanks for your entries, guys. I'll write a conclusion as soon as my throat stops being strepped.

[barend]

1. What kind of crime does Clarence fight?
pickpockets in gay clubs

2. Why does Clarence always have that insecure look on his face?
he has stange spots on his pee pee

3. Where do Clarence's adventures begin?
spot checks in gayclub restrooms (the ultr violet light in there recharges his superpowers)

4. No, really. Why does he have to always look like that?
it's a gladular thing okay, BACK OFF!!!!

5. Where are the headquarters of the modern underground Soviet Union?
the gardening shed on capitol hill

[Ninja Duck]

As much as we appreciate your input, the contest is closed. However, your submission will be considered for the sidekick, Spontaneously Gay Jay.

[barend]

cool... i wasn't expecting anything...
i just like these kinds of threads...

[Ninja Duck]

The winners have been announced!

http://www.tuahan.com for details.

[Chefelf]

I'd like to thank my mom, the academy, my lovely girlfriend, Jen, who stuck by me through it all, and most of all Zach for macking this all possible.

[Emu]

I'd like to thank Clarence, for existing, Zach, for being responsible for Clarence's existence, my computer monitor for not exploding on me yet, and cookies, for being there for me when I needed them most.

[Ninja Duck]

Brace yourselves for the official Clarence teaser!

It was a cold day. But some people like it that way. Clarence was one of those people who like it cold. Cold... and spicy. This is why Clarence was always drinking so many fluids. He said he liked it spicy, but when it came to uncut jalapenos, Clarence was a real wimp. Yes, was a crime fighter, and he drank plenty of fluids. Sometimes he would take fiber supplements with those fluids, because he never did eat enough asparagus. But that frown wasn't always ordinary constipation. Clarence had a dark, cold, and spicy past, a past so dark that I'm not even going to go into it in the first paragraph.

Enter the second paragraph. The second paragraph is just a small speck in the grand scheme of things. Once its fifteen minutes of fame are up, it will be cast aside like a scratchy Milli Vanilli album. We'll all end up in that Milli Vanilli trash heap some day. But not Clarence. Clarence had, you know, a special quality. He was someone you could really dig. You know, groove on. If you try to throw Clarence into a pile of of broken CDs, the CDs would be all like, "Naw, this guy's too cool to be thrown away. Put him back where he belongs. This one's worth letting live. Let him live, man. Just let him live." The point is, the second paragraph sucks in comparison to Clarence, and it knows it. It knows it all to well.

Coming soon to your local theater listings!

This post has been edited by Ninja Duck: 17 March 2005 - 11:22 PM

[Yes sir.]

1. What kind of crime does Clarence fight?
Balding and Erectile Disfunction.

2. Why does Clarence always have that insecure look on his face?
See 1.

3. Where do Clarence's adventures begin?
In the principal's closet.

4. No, really. Why does he have to always look like that?
Constipation.

5. Where are the headquarters of the modern underground Soviet Union?
P-bulding.


I should be in this seeing that my mother drove and owned a taxi from '92 until this March.

EDIT: too late. y.y

This post has been edited by Yes sir.: 14 April 2005 - 06:53 PM