[J m HofMarN]

"I can do better"
A play by J. M. Hoffmarn

Dramatis Personae:

Vincent: A self help guru and columnist
Gina: Vincent's girlfriend
Henry: A chef at a restaurant the two leads frequent
Laura: A woman who is stalking vincent
Tom: Vincent's boss
Cyntia: Henry's wife
Charles: A Wisconsin fetishist.
Helga: A strongly opinionated lesbian
James: If he told you what he does, he'd have to kill you
Nigel: An intellectual and avid reader
Scott: He's not a very good homosexual
Matthew: An avid gamer
Sky: A marijuana enthusiast
Brandon: A thoroughly divorced man
Matthew: A conspiracy theorist

The setting is modern day New York. Action occurs in Henry's restaurant The Wizzledorf, in Vincent's appartment, in Gina's appartment, and within Vincent's office.

[J m HofMarN]

Scene 1: VINCENT is in his appartment and GINA is over as well.

Vincent: So what would you like to do tonight? The city and everything in it belongs to us.

Gina: And yet I'd sell it all just to go out and do something crazy.

Vincent: Why would you ever want to do that?

Gina: Because crazy things are the things that people do when they're in love.

Vincent: I hardly think so.

Gina: If love's not crazy than why did I bother coming around here tonight?

Vincent: I would think it was a perfectly sound decision.

Gina: Of course you would.

Vincent: Alright alright point taken, what shall we do? Alligator wrestling?

Gina: It dosn't matter. You'll just shoot down whatever idea I put forth thats the least bit different. You really can't stand spontinaety can you?

Vincent: Spontinaety started it, I'm just trying to keep the peace.

Gina: [exasperated]Oh come on will you!? What would be so wrong with going out of town for a while, or maybe a trip to another country even, or at least a different restaurant!

Vincent: When you have to deal with the inner workings of highly warped minds for a living you'll enjoy a bit of mundanity as well! Besides, the Wizzledorf has good food, and you've never thought otherwise. And, you know, on the last show I did, some guy came up to me to talk about his sexual feelings for his mother! And he went on to describe at great length---

Gina: [cutting him off and begining to grow heated] I don't want to hear it! I'm sick and tired of the mundane!

Vincent: [half jokingly] You call that mundane? Come now I thought women loved to talk about what kind of days their significant others had.

Gina: You know, all we ever do is hang around in your appartment and watch films and go to boring parties...

Vincent: Yes, I rather like that state of things.

Gina: [growing very annoyed] Did you ever consider that *I* might not?

Vincent: [clearly being deliberately absurd and flashing an idiotic smile] Nope, never crossed my mind.

Gina: I can't believe you're the best I could do. Tell me why I stay with you again?

Vincent: Oh, I don't know, maybe it's the mountain of cash that fills my coffers at the end of each month? The invitations to the best parties in town? My titanic penis?

Gina: You know, I could do better...

Vincent: Well I suppose, if it were a basket ball player, or a porn star...

Gina: Oh shut up! I mean I could do better than you, not little Vincent.

Vincent: Frankly I don't know which statement would be worse.

Gina: You're a selfish, know it all, proud, smart ass,---

Vincent: (cutting her off jovially) but just to make things clear, you're fine with my size?

[The sound of a door slamming concludes the scene. Exit GINA]

This post has been edited by J m HofMarN: 29 April 2005 - 02:49 AM

[SimeSublime]

Quite smug, isn't he?

[J m HofMarN]

Yeah, Vincent's an arse, but he's funny so we can forgive him for it. His girlfriend's not going to be any kind of an angel either. I hope you enjoyed the first scene. I'm trying to make it really snappy and fast paced since I'm not stuck in a prose style. Really hope it works...

[J m HofMarN]

Please try to stick with this,. I just need a few acts to set it up, I know its drab and the lack of anything but dialogue sucks. I've been reading Hemingway thats why. But yeah, it'll get better once I get into the skits, which is what I'm really doing all this for.

[Icey]

Very amusing dialogue JM, I love the pace of it.

[SimeSublime]

It's just sad that we have to read it. A play should be watched, never read. But exceptions can be made.

[Icey]

Never fret Sime, it's all but impossible to put this up as a play, it might just need Flash animating.

[Slade]

*Lightbulb goes off in head.* Wait, I can't do flash...

*Lightbulb two.* Ah ha. Independent film-making. That's where it's at.

I loved the pace of the dialogue.

This post has been edited by Slade: 29 April 2005 - 05:18 PM

[J m HofMarN]

Scene 2: In the kitchen of the Wizzledorf. VINCENT is talking to HENRY while the latter tidies up the area.

Henry: You know, it dosnt look terribly good for customers to just waltz right into the kitchen so often. You'll give people ideas.

Vincent: You cant give people any ideas they dont already have. Besides, you're not doing anything terribly important.

Henry: And just what are you doing that's so important, besides waiting for Gina to come crawling back.

Vincent: I'm contemplating a new self-help method, wherein the patient would interact with others in a prescribed scenario and then report back with the results and evaluate them.

Henry: Why does self help always seem to involve endlessly listening to other people and buying nonsensical books?

Vincent: The same reason your idea of self help involves a bottle.

Henry: I merely drink to take the edge off work, and sometimes before work, and occasionally on my days off. Besides, this isn't about me, it's about you.

Vincent: I wish it were about you, I'm a miserable topic these days.

Henry: Yes, I noticed, your lost appetite is driving my revenues down.

Vincent: Yes well you can charge Gina for the difference. Ah, I do hope there's some decent news, maybe that will cheer me up.

Henry: Anything classified as news is usually too new to be decent, things only become decent when we get used to them.

Vincent: Then does indecency become decent when it's been gotten used to?

Henry: As best as I can tell the whole world is indecent, and it's only the indecencies people are used to that are considered decent at all.

Vincent: Then how do you explain children.

Henry: I imagine thats why they cry so often.

Vincent: Ah, I could use a good cry...

Henry: [spotting something on the other side of the paper as he cuts up some food] you might need it more if you turned the paper around.

Vincent: [does so] Oh really now, a new restaurant opening in town is hardly reason to cry.

Henry: [His knife slips and slices a small hole in his chef's hat which is sitting on the counter] What do you mean?

Vincent: Oh yes, it's run by some fellow from a school who's name is half vowels.

Henry: Damn those French! They think they're so much better just because they make sauce to go on top of their sauces!

Vincent: Oh don't worry so much, it's not the end of the world.

Henry: Well, anti-frenchism aside, I was talking about the personal ad Gina posted for blind dates.

Vincent: It's the end of the world!

Henry: Come on now, did not a wise man once say that if youl ove something you should set it free?

Vincent: Did not a wiser man say that a woman in bed is worth two in the bar.

Henry: Gina is clearly not in your bed or in your bar.

Vincent: I can fix that, I think I've developed a way to test that new self-help method.

Henry: This isn't the self help method where you lurk in the bushes outside her house is it?

Vincent: I'm much happier lurking here, the bushes don't come equipped with a cash bar.

Henry: Speaking of which, when are you going to pay off your tab?

Vincent: [avoiding the matter all together out of habit] after I've checked my mail a bit. I'll be back.

[SimeSublime]

Excellent dialouge. Very witty, I especially liked the part on indecencies.

[Icey]

Another great scene. Your dialogue is great JM, I especially like the lurking note.

[J m HofMarN]

Sime- Yeah that was my favorite as well, I'm really glad you like this and I can't wait to get to the funny parts, I've got one of the scenes written already.

Icey- Ah yeah I liked the ending scene too, I've been trying to keep things fast paced and humorous in order to make up for the lack of any real stage or actors and I hope it works.

[J m HofMarN]

Scene three: Gina is in her appartment talking too Cynthia

Gina: So, is he really broken up?

Cynthia: Oh yes, from what I've heard.

Gina: Perfect. Any day now he'll come moping around begging me to take him back. This should teach him to be such a wet blanket.

Cynthia: I'd rather have a wet blanket than none at all. Henry might be predictable but we still have fun, and it's not as if he lacks flare. You have no idea how creatively a chef can use food.

Gina: I ate at your restaurant nearly every weekend, I think I know.

Cynthia: I wasn't talking about in cooking.

Gina: Ah, maybe if I decide to take Vincent back I can talk him into something like that...

Cynthia: Are you sure you'll have the chance? I mean he might decide to look elsewhere for... companionship?

Gina: He knows better. I didn't want to have to hurt him, I just want to go out and do stuff, you know maybe travel more. He hadn't taken me shopping in months before we broke up.

Cynthia: Men generally don't like shopping.

Gina: That's because women don't want them to. Keep them confused with sizes and brand names and such and then when they start to catch on we can run and hide in the bathroom for an aeon or two.

Cynthia: I don't know if I'm scared or impressed by your insight.

Gina: What's scary is that if men understood women the persuit would be a lot less interesting. The best part of having a partner who dosnt know what you want is that they end up giving you everything.

Cynthia: Which is exactly why I think you shouldn't have dumped him. What if Vincent is included in someone else's idea of everything?

Gina: Do you really think so? I put out an ad to make him jealous but maybe I should take added precautions.

Cynthia: I don't think they make chastity belts for boys...

Gina: I havn't looked into it, that wouldn't be subtle enough. No I've got something else in mind.

Cynthia: Whatever it is I don't want to know...

Gina: You want to know, you just don't want anyone to know that you heard it so you won't share guilt.

Cynthia: Believe me, if I knew noone would hear about it.

Gina: Nonsense, a secret's only fun if there are people to tell it to, otherwise how would anyone know you had a secret?

Cynthia: So why'd you mention it if you didn't plan on telling me?

Gina: I was expecting you to ask first?

Cynthia: Alright then, tell me.

Gina: Well, if you insist I guess I could...

-They whisper and the scene closes.-

[SimeSublime]

That is so bloody true. Especially that last bit.