[J m HofMarN]

Zounds! And using the main characters diminished mental state as an excuse to use random silly words was a great idea, though it did come off as incoherent zaniness I'm sure that was intentional. Good job.

[Just your average movie goer]

That was brilliant, Barend. And kudos for using "effulgent"!

William the Bloody indeed.

[barend]

i even added 'nakidity' which i had been meaning to submitt to the dictionary but never did...

[Slade]

I chuckle! But I've noticed people are forgetting about the barbershop scene...

[Chyld]

But no naked pictures of F Scott Fitzgerald? On the other hand, 100% of the words is no unimpressive feat...

[Mad Rabbit]

This looks like a bit of fun, I guess I'll give it a try.

Julie Colton Versus The Albino Gymnastic Death Brigade

Julie Colton had returned home from another brutal day of work at Twigs N' Leaves, a small corner store which specialized in selling all natural health food. She had bags under her green eyes, and her long auburn hair was in disarray. Her blouse was stained with vomit, a gift a patron of Twigs N' Leaves gave her when Julie was handing out samples of the store's new product, Worm Juice. She stood in the doorway getting more depressed as she surveyed her apartment, an apartment which made a pantry look like a mansion by comparison. It was all Julie could afford on her modest salary.Julie shut the door behind her let out a deep sigh and shuffled to the couch, a long trail of toilet paper attached to her left shoe followed her. Exhausted, Julie fell face first into her plaid sofa, expecting to enjoy the comfort of it's cushions, instead she hit her head against an armrest.

"DAMMIT" Julie cursed as she kicked her sofa, stubbing her toe in the process.

"SHIT!" She screamed as she hopped on one leg, holding her hurt foot.

A loud banging came from beneath her.

"KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE YA CRAZY BROAD!" a visibly angry voice rose from the floorboards.

Julie stopped her dance of pain at once and sat on the sofa still nursing her sore toe. Julie's downstairs neighbor, Frank Locke, was not a man to be trifled with. Though she had never actually met the him, he had caused her much grief. Frank had a tendancy to call the police at the slightest bit of noise coming from her abode, and was nearly evicted on one occasion when Frank Locke had convinced the superintendant that she was a trouble maker.

Defeated by the days events Julie had decided a good night's sleep was the best course of action. It didn't matter that it was only 6:00 in the evening. She didn't want to give this day any other chances to humiliate her. After a quick shower and change into her favorite nightshirt, a black number with the word "SMEG" written boldly on the fron in red. Julie climbed into bed hoping tomorrow would be much better than this day had been.

Julie was awoken the next day, at promptly 5:30 in the morning, and like clockwork a loud thumping came from the floor beneath her.

"HEY! SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" Fred Locke shouted to his ceiling.

Julie climbed out of bed rubbing the sleep from her eyes, the events of the day prior far from her mind, replaced by the dread of what today would bring. She ate a quick breakfast and took a shower. She dressed herself for work in a green blouse and blue jeans and put her hair in a french braid. She studied herself in the mirror, she was actually quite an attractive young woman when not covered in vomit.

"O.K. Julie..." she said as she pointed at her reflection.

"Let's give them hell today!"

Julie's typical day at work usually revolved around doing what her boss, Anthony Bottomfeeder told her to do, which was everything. From stocking shelves, cleaning the restrooms, handling angry customers and cashiering, Julie did it all. Anthony's primary duties, were telling Julie what to do and drinking coffee. (which Julie would have to make.) How Anthony became the manager of Twigs N' Leaves was beyond her comprehension, Anthony's only other talent besides being idle was smelling bad and leaving a trail of miasma wherever he went. Anthony also gave Julie the responsibility of feeding Martin Chuzzlewit, a puffin who was once a pet of Anthony's until Martin had decided to peck out one of Bottomfeeder's eyes. Anthony would of killed the little bugger if it weren't for the fact that it was illegal to kill puffins.

Of all of Julie's responsibilities, taking care for Martin was her favorite. Martin always seemed happy to see her and provided the necessary amount of distraction to make the job at Twigs N' Leaves bearable. Martin was indeed fond of Julie, because she would usually let him out of his tiny cage, (when anthony wasn't around) and she would often open up a bottle of Pickled Herring Facial Cream to feed Martin as a treat. Julie had once asked Anthony if he would give Martin Chuzzlewit to her. Anthony refused stating,

"BAH! That Damn bird cost me a lot of money, why would I give it away? Besides it'll only be a matter of time before it's legal for me to kill the little bastard!"

If it wasn't for Martin, Julie would have quit Twigs N' Leaves and told anthony to shove it a long time ago. It was really more the fear that Anthony might actually try to kill Martin one day that made Julie put up with the bullshit.

End of PArt 1

I know it's a bit dull, I'm working on the fly here. I have a general idea of where this is going. Anyway I hope you like what you've seen so far.

[J m HofMarN]

I absolutely love that, Rabbit. You fit the words in so it looks as though they're not the tiniest bit forced, and the story is believable and yet interesting, absurd and yet true. I especially liked Anthony's explanation of why he couldn't kill Martin. However, you must understand that by not killing the puffin you've taken Sime's side in the continuing forum gang war between the puffins and the lemurs. I tend to lean towards Jane's side so if we should happen to kill you in a driveby it's nothing personal.

But in all seriousness, excellent job.

[Just your average movie goer]

I like your style, Mad Rabbit. You really are a breath of fresh air in these forums. It's good to have you onboard.

Looking forward to Part II.

[Chyld]

Blimey, he's doing it in multiple parts? And doing it straight? More power there, methinx...

[Mad Rabbit]

Thanks for the kind words guys! From what I have read on the forum it's certainly high praise indeed! Hope to have the 2nd part finished soon.

[Mad Rabbit]

Julie Colton Versus The Albino Gymnastic Death Brigade: Part 2

Julie navigated her rusty Chevy Impala into it's usual space in front of The Boffo Porn Imporium. Anthony Bottomfeeder had forbidden Julie to park her car in front of Twigs N' Leaves claiming that her "atrocity on wheels" was an eyesore and would only drive business away. Parking in front of The Boffo Porn Imporium may not have been the most ideal location, being two blocks away from Julie's place of employment but Julie didn't mind, using the walk to Twigs N' Leaves as an oppurtunity to prepare herself mentally for yet another craptastic day at work.

For today's mental exercise, Julie imagined herself in shining knight's armor, holding Anthony's severed head in one hand and weilding a jewel encrusted sword in the other. Grinning from ear to ear at today's affirmation, she entered Twigs N' Leaves only to be greeted by a rotund man with foul body odor, her boss, Anthony Bottomfeeder. Needless to say Julie was no longer grinning.

"You're late as usual." Anthony said as he put his hands on his bulging hips.

"What are you talking about?" Julie pointed to the clock which read 7:55. "I'm FIVE minutes early!"

"BAH! You should arrive to work at least fifteen minutes before it's time to clock in! Then and only then will you be on time!" Anthony said puffing out his chest, a gesture which would have made him look more authoritve, if it wasn't for the belly flab hanging over his belt.

"What's the point in that? You won't even let me clock in until it's eight o' clock anyway! We don't even open the door for business until nine, there's plenty of time for us to get the store ready!" Julie countered.

"Good Heavens! I can't believe what I'm hearing! Don't you realize that time is money? When you arrive late for work, you not only let down the management, you let down the people you work with."

"WE'RE the only two people who work here Anthony! Besides I'm not late!" Julie said trying hard not to scream.

Anthony, realizing that logic was creeping into their debate, switched tactics. "That's MISTER Botomfeeder to you!" Anthony said, pointing a pudgy finger in Julie's face. "Ms. Colton, let me ask you a question. Do You Value your employment here with us at Twigs N' Leaves? because if you don't I know of a few people who would give their left leg to get a job with us."

"I can't believe this son of a bitch!" Julie thought to herself. He had used his position as leverage against her. She knew full well that Anthony was the boss, but she hated having it thrown in her face so blatently. Julie didn't value the job, but she had nothing in savings and with no gauruntee of employment in the immediate future, she did what most employees in her position normally do. She lied.

"Yes I LOVE my job here, all that I'm saying is that I'm not late!" She pointed to the clock again, which now read 8:02.

Anthony smirked and crossed his arms across his massive manboobs. "Looks like you are Ms. Colton, which brings me back to my original point. If you were here earlier this would not have happened."

Julie bit her bottom lip, her fists clenched so tightly that they could turn coal into diamonds. She was quivering in anger, which Anthony mistook for Julie about to cry. Smug in his little victory, he couldn't resist one last stab.

"You can punch in for work now." he said as he turned his back to Julie, waving his hand.

Julie quickly went through her calming exercises, imagining using Anthony' head as a soccer ball. It might not have been the most christian of thoughts, but still, it was a very therapeutic one. Julie took a couple deep breaths letting the rage dissipate from her system.

"This sure is going to be one craptacular day." Julie muttered as she punched in for work.

End of part 2

Well still kind of slow, hope you enjoyed it regardless. any comments or suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated.

[J m HofMarN]

I have a suggestion. Start sending your work to publishers and you can give me a cut of your first advance for making the suggestion. That was wonderful. Once again just bringing out the absurdity of every day life, it's something I've never seen and it's funny and sad and profound all at the same time. Encore! Encore!

[SimeSublime]

This is excellent. I feel for her, I really do. Your writing really brings out the emotion.

fact that it was illegal to kill puffins.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You now offcially rule. Disregard JM, for those who side with Jane are simply wrong.

[Just your average movie goer]

Mad Rabbit, this was brilliant. I know it's been said already but you really do capture the pain that many people deal with in real life. I think we've all been Julie at some stage or another and we've all met Antony Bottomfeeder in one guise or another. And the fantasies of inflicting violence on him holds true too.

You have really showed the power exploitation that so many bosses are guilty of.

I really do feel for Julie and hope things look up for her in Part III.

I wait with eager anticipation.

[Mad Rabbit]

Thank you very much JM, SiimeSublime, and JYAMG! I'm glad that you like it so far. I was afraid that what I was writing was a piece of garbage but you've given me the confidence to keep on going with it!

Julie Colton Versus The Albino Gymnastic Death Brigade: Part 3

Twigs N' Leaves recieved an unusually large shipment that day. It contained a variety of products in a myriad of boxes. Julie had spent the better part of the afternoon moving heavy boxes from the loading platform to the storage room, while Anthony helped by sipping coffee and pointing to what box she should move next. Her day did not improve when an angry customer demanded a refund for a health bar which quote "Tasted like Shit." Julie refused to give any money back because the customer had eaten the entire bar and had just reurned an empty wrapper, not to mention that the reciept was over 5 months old. The situation was not helped when Anthony Bottomfeeder intervened, reprimanding Julie in front of the customer and then granting a full refund for the product. Anthony apologized for Julie's behavior and left for his office to drink his coffee, the customer gave Julie a smug little smile as he walked out of the shop. Julie stood there trying her best to fight the temptation to smash her fist through the glass top of the service desk.

Martin Chuzzlewit, whose cage was next to the register on the service desk, squawked and tilted his head giving Julie a quizical look as if to say, "What's wrong."

"This place sucks..." she answered Martin through gritted teeth.

Martin squaked again, poking his beak between the bars of his cage, letting Julie know he wanted out. Julie opened the door and cradled the puffin in her arms, petting the top of his head with her finger.

"You always know the right thing to say, to get me in a better mood. What a smooth talker." She giggled.

Besides her violent fantasies about retribution, Martin was the only other thing that kept her sane at work. She would often converse with the bird after an unpleasant experience, which means she had talked to him a lot.

Julie was tickling Martin under his beak when a man entered the store carrying a black attache case. He was dressed in a black trenchcoat, with the collar flipped up, he held the collar of the trenchcoat tightly around his face. On his head sat a large black hat which rested just above his eyebrows, obscuring his features even further. He was fidgety and glanced out of the door window as if he were looking for somebody.

"Can I help you?" Julie asked as she put Martin back in his cage.

The man ignored her, opening the door slightly to take a peek outside. Julie walked around the counter, curious about the stranger's behavior. She put her hand on his shoulder. The man in the trenchcoat jumped startled by the contact, dropping his hand from the collar.

"Can I..." she stopped in midsentence as she caught a glimpse of the man's features. His skin was extremely pale, as if he were ethereal. His eyes were the most shocking shade of pink, and had the look of fear in them. Julie was shocked at his appearance but quickly regained her composure.

"Can I... DO you need help?" Julie asked

"There's no help for me now, Miss." he replied, the sound of impending doom on his lips.

"Are you in trouble?" she asked. "Am I in trouble?" she thought to herself, becoming more wary of the pale man. "I'm calling the police!" she started for the phone behind the service desk.

The man grabbed Julie by the wrist "The police can't help us!" he growled. "The only thing that can stop what we face is what I hold in this briefcase!"

Julie struggled to break free from his grip, but he was strong, the kind of strenghh that comes from dementia. "Please mister, you're hurting me! I don't know what this is all about!"

"Of course you don't! Only those who run in the most secret of circles know about the night of the bean! But believe when that night comes it will mean the end of us all!"

Julie could see the man was nuts, hell a nut could see this guy was nuts.

"Then why not use what you have in that briefcase to stop it!? You're a good man I can see that! Save us from this bean evening!' She asked hoping that appealing to his good side would make him release his grip.

"It's night of the Bean! Not Bean Evening! When you talk about the end of the world you should always refer to it by it's proper name! Besides what I have in the briefcase..." he suddenly stopped and noticed something out of the door window, apparently finding what he had hoped he would not. His eyes went wide with terror.

"THEY'VE FOUND ME! WE'RE DOOMED THE WORLD IS DOOMED!!!!!" He screamed as he dropped his briefcase.

He opened the door frantically, throwing Julie down and hitting her head on the the ground in the process. He shot out of the store flailing his arms wildly as he ran down the street. Julie picked herself up groggily. She put her fingers to where she had hit her head, finding a large bump.

Anthony came running from his office, noticing Julie was a little worse for wear. "What's all the commotion!?" He demanded.

"I'm not entirely sure." she answered as she rubbed her throbbing head. "This guy was rambling on about beans and the end of the world, all the while he was holding on to me. I can't tell you how scared I was!"

"Are you all right?" Anthony asked genuinely concerned.

"Well I took a bump on the noggin, I'm a bit shaken, but I think I'll live."

Anthony's face was one of relief. "That's good, because those toilets won't clean themselves you know. Take a few minutes to rest and afterwords you can start on that."

"You're all heart." Julie said sarcastically.

"I know. Thank you." Anthony replied missing the irony in Julie's voice.

As he walked back to his office, Julie shot up both her hands and extended the middle fingers to salute her boss. Julie then placed the stranger's forgotten attache case on top of the counter. Martin squawked.

"I agree I should take a look inside, huh. It's the very least the guy owes me for nearly killing me. Besides I just have to know what he has in here to stop armageddon!

Martin bobbed his head in agreement. Julie lifted the latches which sealed the case. "Pretty careless not locking this up!' she thought. As she peered inside she found a notebook filled with geometric designs written in black ink. In the upper corner was a small device, no larger than an insect, it had a red LED light that blinked at sporadic intervals. The most unusual thing she found in the case were several black and white photos of a naked man in various poses. Julie shut the case and stored it behind the service counter.

She turned to Martin with a grin. "So the end of the world is going to be prevented by a rejected photoshoot of playgirl? I needed a laugh like that today!"

She chuckled the whole time as she cleaned the bathroom.