[Icey]

OK, lets face it, not everyone knows how to pick up chicks. It's a sad truth. Y'know, I haven't always been the amazing chick magnet that I am today.

Okay, that was a lie, but still, you bought it for a moment, which even though it's insulting, it shows off how credible I am. I am clearly someone that you can trust without thinking. Much like our beloved Leader of Whatever Nation You Reside In! But enough about my credibility and my undeniable reign in the domain of being a chick magnet, lets talk about how to score.

The ultimate guide (not for pussies!)
Find your goal, grab her by the waist and kiss her furiously, passionatly even and then walk away nonchalantly. If done properly (that is no hesitating or thinking or going erm or talking) she will be totally infatuated with you and will do anything to shag you. Even shatter a family.

This however will not work unless you're awesome.

So we have the Ultimate Guide To Scoring, FOR PUSSIES.
This guide will however not work if you try to break any of the rules. The rules are vital, and are what keeps you from being one of the pussies that never get to have the sex. Ever heard of David Foxworth. Well guess why!

1. Never ever show any kind of interest in the girl. Newsflash! Women connect sex with being degrated and shat on. The moment you start showing a woman interest or making her feel good about yourself, she starts distancing you from the Bermuda Triangle. That's where most guys fail, that's where most friendships are forged. That's where David Foxworth tells himself he likes to be before he cries himself to sleep.

2. Be dangerous. This one is self explainatory, danger = taboo, taboo = hot. Incest = Taboo as well, but that's illegal so I can't legally reccommend that, but anyway, you now have the basics. Take her on a date, and shoot up on heroin through the eye, get into a fistfight with her dad (bonus points if he's in a retirement home) go drive by shooting, mutilate animals or visit a convent to molest a nun. All these things will establish you as a scoundrel. Secretly help old ladies over the street or pretend to be on the phone with your sick nephew promising to do some cool stuff with him, like taking him to the game. This will establish you as a scoundrel with a heart of gold. Only do that if you start suspecting that she's going to call the cops on you.

3. Call her fat. If she does not do everything in her power to get you in the sack after those things, call her fat. It works, you can skip all that other crap as well. Just call any chick fat and she'll try to rape you.

4. Sleep with her friends and family. She'll feel so left out and mezmerized by your libido she'll do anything to sleep with you. Including a threesome. With her mom.

If that doesn't work for you, you might want to stick to porn.

This post has been edited by Icey: 31 August 2006 - 06:25 PM

[Vesuvius]

Is this why women keep hitting on me?!?! Because I don't show interest in them?! I'm really not interested. I'm not gay. I just don't care for anyone. I just want to be left alone and train, workout, and challenge worthy opponents with the boken. Or I'll fight them barehanded. I just want to improve my skills and get through college. I'm not mean to anyone, especially women, I just don't show nor do I have much interest in any of them. I vowed celibacy years ago after some stupid relationships and I have never been happier in my life. ....although, I do not show such emotion at all, or any emotion for that matter.

[Icey]

Just wait till you start beating women. Hoo boy!

[Vesuvius]

You know, some women at work have found it fun to touch my chest and rub their hands on my stomach muscles, then they want to get violent and I throw them to the ground. I have to be the one to teach them the lessons, but I'm not returning the flirt though. I just want to be left alone! On the flip side of this behavior though, I am actually very kind to everyone. I just "wake up" when someone acts stupid and they need pain to straighten them out.

[Icey]

They do keep up the act though even after being smacked down though. It is their their great tragedy.

[Deepsycher]

I don't know much of what is being said here but I certainly do know how to pick up a chick. I'll go to the nearest farm and I'll pick one up. Might be in danger from the parents though but that would be my scoring. Now this leads onto ladies.

This post has been edited by Deepsycher: 31 August 2006 - 07:33 PM

[Icey]

You are so cute! I wanna keep you!

[Slade]

Hehe. Hilarious as usual, Iceman. It's great to see you back! And thank you. I realize now that I was being foolish and actually trying to respect women, thinking it would get me somewhere. I can't appreciate you enough for showing me the light. Pretty soon I'll be able to sleep with any and every girl I lay eyes on, who is sufficiently hot, of course.

[Spoon Poetic]

I'm sure your girlfriend will be happy to know of this goal of yours, Sir Slade.

Does this guide to scoring work for girls? I mean, for chicks to pick up chicks, because obviously, chicks don't need to go through all that to pick up a guy. To pick up a guy, all a girl needs to do is pick out one they like, go up to them, and say "sex." (If that's uncomfortable, replace "sex" with "blowjob," "handjob," or "food" and it works just as well.) They're hooked!

[SimeSublime]

Come now, Ms Poetic. You know that it doesn't work on all guys, some of us think a little more in advance.

I have to say, Bravo Icey. I have to say, that I've practiced 1 with quite a few girls, and I don't think it's ever worked. But mayhap I haven't been doing it properly. Granted, I wasn't trying to do it at the time, I just didn't have anything to say to them.

[Spoon Poetic]

Oh, so Icey can stereotype against girls but I can't for guys? Double standard, much? Besides, it's 95% true, given that the girl is halfway decent looking!

[SimeSublime]

But Icey's a god, he can say what he wants

[Icey]

I turn down sex and related acts all the time!

Sime, I don't know why it failed to work, maybe they became too stunned by your manhood to try anything, and did you remember to call them fat? Or did you go the Awesome way without hesitating for a moment? If these all failed, then...

A: They are Lesbians.
B: You were so intoxicated that you mistook a feminin bloke for a bird.
C: You may require witchcraft.
D: They were so shocked by your manliness that they went into shock.

And Spoon, most likely yes, unless the bloke you tempt has had his fill for the next few minutes or contracted the gay. For men sex is like oxygen, they need it to make iron rust and start fires and make water. It's science.

Also, I could most likely get away with starting a thread in the lobby proclaiming the might of the Aryan race while taking a piss on every other race, taken by nation that does not manage to sneak into the Aryan club or is the US because the US is all mixed up. Well maybe not, but If I'd take a poop on the Aryan race as well, I'd get away with it. And yes I know Aryans are in India and Hitler got confused, but I'm sticking to his definition because it makes me look cooler.

[Gobbler]

The ultimate guide (not for pussies) actually worked for me once, but not because I'm awesome, hell no. I guess it was the effect of someone like me, who is clearly not awesome in every way, doing the thing that absolutely nobody did expect me to do.

... make that: My friends pushed me towards her and I couldn't think of a good pickup line or anything else to say, so I just switched my brains off and went into automatic mode.

[Icey]

That is awesome Gobbler, if Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp would hesitate or move somewhat awkwardly or somewhat, NO ONE would let them get away with that. But you and I, we know the craft, the exact precise movements needed to pull this off. We are awesome.