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The Vader Sessions

OK, so if I remember correctly, the big scene goes as follows...

"Obi- Wan never told you what happened to your father..."

" He told me enough...he told me YOU killed him!"

" No...*I* am your father!"

*Cue whining and minging Skywalker*

OK...why is the first assumption of everyone involved is that Vader's ultimately vague revelation means he's Anakin Skywalker? All we've been told up until that point is that Darth Vader and Anakin were two seperate people. Isn't it just as likely that saying "I am your father" ultimately means that Darth Vader, the other student and totally seperate person, is actually Luke's father?

The more I think about it, the more I like the idea that Darth and Anakin were two seperate people. If the story had been that somehow both were killed and it had APPEARED that Darth had miracuously survived, but it was actually Anakin assuming his identity (being terribly disfigured and wrapped in black leather and plastic with a voice changer goes a long way here)...that would make the revelation he's Luke's father that much more powerful. As it stands, only having one person who just changed identities along the way makes Anakin look even more batshit bonkers, and Obi-Wan and Yoda look like total douchebags. Obi-Wan dying thinking that Darth was actually his real student Darth and then finding out that Darth is actually Anakin when Ben becomes "one with the Force" would add some juicy extra layers of drama to the saga. Obi-Wan and Yoda have been hiding Luke and Leia with the idea one of them will ultimately be able to destroy Darth, and then all of a sudden this spanner in the works of Darth actually being Anakin...conflict!

Though Anakin being the father can still work and be even more of a surprise. Anakin always was the good guy and Darth was the one slowly slipping towards evil. Maybe Anakin was, on the surface, the better pilot and Jedi, but as time slipped on and Darth plotted in secret, he grew jealous of Anakin's glory and embraced the dark side and Palpatine's secret agenda. At some point during the Clone Wars, Anakin is lost and believed dead, and Darth swoops in to "comfort" Padme. Anakin reappears, miracuously saved, and he and Padme or joyously reunited and proceed to have lots of celebration sex.

Soon, however, Padme confesses the tryst with Darth and Anakin flies into a rage. Darth, having lost Padme back to Anakin, has totally renounced the Jedi and become a Sith. Anakin demands that the Jedi hunt Darth down, but the Council refuses, since Anakin wants to basically lop a dude's head off for a booty call, Weak revenge, dude. Anakin grows even more furious at the Council refusing him and pursues Darth on his own. Obi-Wan of course follows, determined to not lose both students to the Dark Side. Maybe even have Mace Windu tag along, since he needs to do something. Anakin catches up to Darth, and they have a knockdown brawl. During the battle, Anakin finally takes the upper hand and lops off Darth's arm. Darth falls, gravely wounded. Anakin hesitates, seeing his friend, a man who's been like a brother to him, dying. At that moment, Mace and Obi-Wan show up, and only see Anakin over Darth with his lightsaber drawn. They both charge him, fighting him off. Darth sees his opportunity and suddenly surges up, attacking all three from behind. Mace slashes Darth across the chest and kicks him to the ground, barely breathing and not moving. Anakin snaps and hurls Obi-Wan away and attacks Mace in a frenzy, ultimately killing him before Kenobi can stop him. Obi-Wan attacks Anakin and ultimately defeats him (lopping off an arm, of course)...knocking him off of something, preferrably. Basically, Anakin is thought to be dead, but there's no time to double check the convenient chasm he fell into because Darth is still alive and Obi-Wan doesn't want to lose both of his students.

Darth ends up in the SW version of the hospital, comatose and breathing only through a contraption that totally hides his face...think a really rough version of Vader in the OT. The Jedi can only sense pure hate and jealousy in what little brain activity he has, and sadly leave him to the care of the hospital. Anakin, however, has survived. Murdering Mace and the fury over Padme and Darth's affair, plus the seeming betrayal of his own master attacking him has sent him over the edge. He sneaks in and spirits Darth away. The Jedi suspect only that Darth himself has somehow deceived them and has escaped and are determined to track him down to recapture him before he hurts anyone else. Anakin realizes that everyone thinks he's dead and Darth is alive, so he disguises himself, ironically, with the "breathing suit" and leaves Darth to die without it. He's ultimately tracked down, by Obi-Wan of course, somewhere volcano-like, or maybe a factory or chemical plant of some sort where they have their climactic battle. The key is that everyone thinks (or it appears that way) Anakin is actually Darth...the Jedi, the Republic, even the Emperor. Palps is trying to secretly track down "Darth" as well since he doesn't want "Vader" spilling his guts out if caught again. Obi-Wan and Anakin duke it out and ultimately Anakin is critically injured...caught in an explosion or landslide or collapse or something that leaves him horribly burned and ruined and knocks Obi-Wan aside. Obi-Wan senses that his opponent is still alive, but can only feel the burning hate and fury coming from him; Anakin is totally lost to the Dark Side. Obi-Wan sadly realizes he must kill his own student before Anakin/Darth kills countless others. Unfortunately, as he moves in, Palp's shuttle suddenly swoops in and fires on Obi-Wan, forcing him to retreat and barely escape with Palp's guards in hot pursuit. Palpy too senses the anger and power coming from Anakin/Darth, and has him rebuilt to serve him. Now it would make sense that at some point between the PT and the OT that Palps would find out who "Darth" really is...I just think this scenario works better in terms of characters like Obi-Wan and Yoda. They really don't know who Darth actually is. Obi-Wan becomes a much more tragic figure. And I think it works if ultimately Anakin never turns evil and is killed by Darth. Everyone thinks Padme has Anakin's kids, but they're really Darth's from that one night stand when Anakin is thought dead.

Meh...sorry for all the rambling.

OK, I'll happily cop to it...the worm in ESB is ridiculous. I know there's been a big back and forth about whether or not people walking around in the belly of a giant space worm is as awful as the lava fight in ROTS, and I really can't see how anyone can defend the worm. It makes no sense, it accomplishes nothing plot-wise, and it looks like the crappy hand puppet it actually is. BUT...the lava scene still comes off infitely worse, and the comparison isn't even close. The puppet worm could be completely removed from the film and everything else would still stay the same. The Falcon would still hide in the asteroid, Han and Leia would still hook up and they would have had to have left eventually...granted, if they could have just hidden, maybe the hyperdrive would be able to be fixed and then no Bespin, but you can still make them have to flee by having the Tie bombers cause a cave in. That lava scene, however, is absolutely integral to not only ROTS, but BOTH trilogies! The worm can be laughed/glared/cringed at and then forgotten as a brief blemish on a damn fine film, but the lava surfing is in THE climatic scene of the entire PT, and is supposedly fullfilling what we've been told or gleaned from the OT. Its importance only makes its ridiculousness that much more apparent...combine that with the fact it's framed by a film that typically gets "well, it wasn't as shitty as the first two" compliments at best and yes, it does come off infinitely worse than the worm, and is like comparing apples and hand grenades.

But damn, that worm DOES suck.