1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house... they run
around in their underwear just like we do.
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But do they answer the door in their underwear just like we do?
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2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem fool proof, but girls tell each
other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out
and you will be mud.
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Unless of course you're; good looking, have a washboard stomach, or rich.
In which case i'm more than sure you'll be forgiven. Even if she actually dumps you one of her close friends she told will likley fill the postion she just left vacant for you.
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3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any
of them would kick your butt at the drop of a hat, and a lot of
them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
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It's cool, you can probably take them. And if you can't, feel free to remind them that beating you up will only lead to her feeling sorry for you and having sorry-my-nasty-relatives-beat-you-up-sex.
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4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
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Even though the word has been rended meaningless through it's over use by unimaginative asshole jiggalo types on every girl they've ever met.
and don't tell her too often, or she'll start thinking she can do better... and leave you.
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5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at
you, it's because they're jealous.
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They're right to laugh at you...
the only reason anyone would partake in a public snog is because they're making a pathetic attempt to reinforce their own importance through procreative association. (ie. they think they actually matter to the world because they have found someone, but are so insecure about it that they have to 'show off' to their friends who've probably already had orgies and so you're showing them nothing new).
in other words... GET A ROOM!
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6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
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Like if you beat their tetris highscore.
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7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going
out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in
your arms. yeah... sheesh...
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unless they're just not in the mood...
which is the number one reason for number 6.
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8. If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you
did.
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There are many good reasons for this...
the best one being; incase they come out a week later and confess that they're really a man.
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8.5 If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you
did.
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Not even if you've been together for seven years and have four kids, and you're friends press you about it... always say; "Nope, not once, never!"
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9. You can be dirty minded in private. Really... most of them are
not offended by it...
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In fact you can be dirty minded when she's in the room... it's not like she's telepathic.
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10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like
whales. hehehe
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quantity is irrelevant... they all eat like pigs.
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11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do
discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make
your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it
and your friends will know...
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Let it serve as a lesson that they want you to pay for EVERYTHING! it's not how much you spend on them... just that you spend ALL you have on them!
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11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay
all the time! lol... man I feel sorry for you guys...
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SEE!!!
...and we feel sorry for us to... imagine how embarrassed we feel evertime we think we've got a new girlfriend, only to find out we've been hanging out with a prostitute who's been on the clock the whole time...
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12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend -
one stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
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There are only three things a girl should really expect or want from her boyfrind that he SHOULD deliver;
loyalty, affection, and orgasms!
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13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're
dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her
off, call to be sure she's home safely.
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Although you may want to reconsider 'dropping her off' if your ride is an helicopter.
It might be nicer if you lower a ladder or something.
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14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit
out of him.
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In fact it's a turn on.
it's just too bad the law feels differently about what constitutes as your rights on such matters.
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15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your
girlfriend closer.
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...then pull your female friend closer, then your girlfriend a little more, then your female friend again... before they know it... you're having a threesome.
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16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even
if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or
something, never make any gestures back.
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same goes for jokingly stabings and jokingly shooting...
ass slapping is widley permitted, however.
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17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether
you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
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Whether or not you enjoy any activity is of little consequence to her.
and she'll be less and less shy about it every year.
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18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets,
parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their
parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
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just don't get caught in bed with ANY of them...
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19. Don't flirt with their moms... that's just freaky.
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but it's the best way to get the best part of the roast every sunday.
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20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does
make them feel like shit, so be understanding.
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Just be thankfull that you and the 'gross' part have little if any interaction...
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21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
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Don't look a gift chauffer in the mouth.
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22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your
friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
Ya you damn better well.
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Because if you say 'partner' we'll all think you're gay.
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23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want
to be with you. Really.
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and with a serving of lobster, salmon mouse, champagne, etc.
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24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without
being asked.
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even if broken bone is protruding through the skin?
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25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be
very gentle.
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and for christs sake wear a cup!
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26. Memorize their birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're
basically screwed for life.
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Yes, even after she dumps you.... and never see's you again... your life will be screwed.
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27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.
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again if your rich and thin, you'll get away with that $2 sports spraycan that makes everyone else on the bus gag.
without looks, $200 eu savague by christine dior will do nothing for you.
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28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas
or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to
be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.
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because, between a detailed and deadly acurate sculpture of her you made from clay with your own two hands, and jewlery that some machine made... guess which she'll consider 'meaningful'.
(hint: the expensive one)
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29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait
to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.
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in fact... don't even ask her out to begin with.
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30. Which leads onto don't be afraid to make the first move. Girls bitch and whinge, and soon everyone will find out she's the one wearing the pants in your relationship.
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always, with the first move... girls are so freakin' lazy. we've been making the first move for thousands of years...
how about...
YOUR TURN!!!!
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31. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really
have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly
trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and
control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would
kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
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that nanosecond is when she meets your better looking friend.
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....i got to point 28, and someone disconected my computer... so i had to type it all again. grrrrrrrrrrr....
This post has been edited by barend: 30 January 2006 - 05:51 PM