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Add ReplyI saw Episode 1 when it first come out and was very disappointed in it as a Star Wars movie. Then the other night it was on tv and I thought I should watch it to see if it really was as bad as I remembered it. And… yes. Yuk, was it bad. The next day i went on the Internet and found your 78 reasons to hate it and I have pretty much laughed ever since. Great site! Thank you for sharing it. I’m sorry if I’m now repeating what other people have already said here. You might find this a boring enumeration but I just had to get my reasons to hate it out of my system.
Beginning at the beginning: the very first conversation, between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan has me in agony. I remembered from the first viewing that it was a disappointment, but it’s much more embarrassing this time around. Like you’ve pointed out, Chefelf, the Jedi are such know-it-all jerks. ”Keep your thoughts on the here and now”. Iiiiich! Could they be just a little more obvious? The entire conversation just screams ”Look at these big guys, they are wise and good. They have a loving master-apprentice relationship. They discuss the Force at every moment of their life. They are totally into their thing”. Makes me wanna puke. Give me a Luke or a Han, who’re both realistically non-perfect and good.
Ah! Such a relief – the camera switches to the lizards in nuns’ headdresses. The ”Vice-Roy’s” pessimistic sidekick actually has me in stitches.”It won’t be enough.” ”We should not have made this barGAIN”. He’s as depressed as Eeyoore in Winnie the Pooh and is almost as cute and ridiculous. I don’t think we’re supposed to find him funny, but I do. And the Emperor is not half bad, I like his string of abuses. But he directs them to the wrong lizard.
That moment seems to have been the end of the things I enjoyed. Queen Amidala is sheer pain – her voice, her lines, her intonation. She is more monotonous than the chanting monks in The Holy Grail. It’s difficult to determine whether Natalie Portman (or is it the decoy speaking at this time of the film?) is a terrible actress or if she just had terrible material to work with. Mostly I feel that this doesn’t matter. If people accept working with such an awful script they pretty much deserve having its shit rub off on them.
Speaking of Amidala, her outrageous clothes really annoy me. They were strangely absent from your lists of things to hate!
They’re trying to depict Amidala as a good ruler, right? Not as someone who’d squander the entire planet budget on outfits. But maybe Naboo (what a stupid name – no sentient beings could name their home planet anything half so childish) is just mind-bogglingly rich and everyone goes around like this. Not that we’d know, since we hardly get to see anyone else on the entire planet. There is a scene when she’s in something red, looking out at the army invading her town, and in the scene one second later she’s in something enormous and black. Did the droids allow her to go change before prrrrrrocessing her? Stupid. Of course it’s always like this in films that women have to change clothes in every scene whereas men can muck around in the same stuff all the time - compare for instance Arwen and Aragorn - but this film just takes it too far even for Hollywood standards. I hate her outfits and they make me hate her. One of the many nice things about the original trilogy is that Leia does muck around like one of the guys, getting her hands dirty just like them and never sneaks off to change costumes at weird times. Made the danger she was in and her dedication to the cause seem real.The worst part of all the worst parts in this film is the dialogue. It never goes anywhere, just chews on and on, using phrases that could have been put together by a Star Wars Conversation Randomiser. Dialogue is supposed to bring out the characters and their idiosyncracies and to forward the action! It does none of these here. So I have no idea why gigantic ships suddenly descend on a lush planet felling a lot of trees. I don’t understand why the Jedi are so keen to go to Gungan city. Their plan was to warn the Naboo and send messages to the Senate, right? Do they need to take cover? The droid army doesn’t seem like much of a threat. Are they keen on meeting new people? Jar-Jar specifically says something to the effect that they won’t be welcome there, so why do they take the risk? Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Though I have to say that the sight and music as they swim towards the city are both rather beautiful.
I actually turned off the film when they had got as far as Tatooine. One of the things I remember very clearly from my first watching was how mind-killingly boring Anakin’s race was and I didn’t want to go through that again. Also I felt that so far I hadn’t been the least bit apprehensive about anything. There was no suspense, no drama, no story, no people you care about, basically just technicolor, so I didn’t feel I missed anything by going to sleep instead.
Just some random complaints I can’t resist bitching about as well…
The best part was the intro music before the ridiculous intro text came up. That score is amazing and always puts a smile on my face and my whole self in fairytale-mood. Except this time I was cruelly snatched out of it within ten seconds. Lucas should have copyrighted his special introduction ploy to save it from himself.
I like politics and don’t mind it being a big part in this film which is (supposed to be) about the fall of a nation and a way of life. But the intro text makes no sense. How could blocking off tiny Naboo solve a problem of taxation of trade routs? Is it the Naboo Queen’s wardrobe that keeps the industry of the whole galaxy in business? (could be the case)
There is no people on Naboo. It’s completely unpopulated apart from a few pilots and palace workers.
I agree with everything Chefelf has said about them going through the plaaaaanet core. Absolutely ridiculous. AND it would only be the closest way to the Naboo capital (or whatever that dead city is) if it was on pretty much the other side of the planet from the Gungans. Why would the invasion army land so far away from their target? There will be a lot of forest to demolish for them. And if they are on the other side of the planet, how come the droid army is still in the capital before the ”bongo”? Stupid.
Kinda interesting that Anakin will need to undergo complete amnesia when becoming Darth Vader, so as to be ignorant later on that Tatooine is a regular Skywalker haunt and a good place to look for any hidden Skywalker offspring. At the same time he’ll remember that he has a son so it’s a very selective amnesia. I wonder if they will address this in the third film or just skip it. Probably skip it.
Thanks for reading this far! I enjoyed writing this much more than watching the stuff that made me do it. Is that how it is for all of you here?
/Marri
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