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06/03/2003 Entry: "My Street"
My street is small. My street is insignificant. My street has a grand total of seven houses on it and that is including both sides of the street. It starts nowhere and goes nowhere. It is near a middle school but it runs parallel to the school itself. This would lead one to believe that no one would use this street to get to the school. The entire street can't be longer than 200 feet.
So it's a small street, it leads nowhere and no one lives on it so it should be quiet, right? It you said "Yes" to that last statement you are wrong. Dead wrong!!
It is always noisy on my street. Between such recurring favorites as the dog that never stops barking, the jackass that starts his truck (which presumably runs on a jet engine) at 5:30 every morning and the endless stream of chattering and cursing 12 year olds there is little room for more noise.
Last night at 4:00 in the morning a car, blasting a radio, pulled up outside my house. Four kids (who sounded about 10-12 years old) got out and started shouting at the top of their lungs. That was until one of them started vomiting uncontrollably in the middle of the street. This whole scene laid the perfect foundation for the world's most vocal dog to begin one of his legendary barking fits.
About 45 minutes into his barking spree I heard footsteps approach his fence. I crossed my fingers that the next sound I would hear would be a gun shot but I was not so fortunate. Eventually fatigue took over and I drifted off for about ten minutes before the jackass across the street started up his 1924 Ford pickup. The sound of this truck (which is started religiously every morning at 5:30 a.m.) is very similar to the sound that would occur is someone parked a running street sweeper under your bed. And, of course, since it's June everyone is in the habit of warming their vehicles up for 25-30 minutes in the morning. It's better for the engines when the temperature hits the chilly mark of 70 degrees Fahrenheit.
After that I got a 45 minute break until the kids began their morning rush to school. This always sounds like a giant flock of pigeons. These children, much like a flock of pigeons, has no business on this street! What are they doing here?!?! Someone needs to tell these little shits that this street does not lead to their school. What's worse is that when they have a fire drill they bring all the kids to my street! I went to that school. They just told us to go across the street in the event of a fire. Now they actually shepherd the kids a block away! Kids now are apparently more valuable than when I was young.
Of course the school department is required to have x amount of fire drills a year. Rather than space them out evenly they usually do two in September, one in October and then cram the remaining fire drills in the last three weeks of the school. I remember this well from being a student in this pitiful school system. At the end of the school year you would have to get up and leave the building five or six times a day as the school officials remembered that they had a quota to meet.
Tonight I can look forward to 6:00 when the guys next door will be hanging inside their car engines revving them for 20-30 minutes. At 8:00 the guy across the street will start up his motorcycle which is not only loud enough to set off every car alarm on the street but also alerts seismographs on the west coast.
Some day I will enjoy moving from this wretched place. Living on the loudest street in America is beginning to get on my nerves.

Replies: 16 People Love Me!

They do the same thing with fire drills in the New York public school system, as far as I could tell. We seemed to have one a day in September, but it's been all clear. Of course, there are 2 whole weeks of school yet, so we may be due for the deluge.
Posted by Jen @ 06/03/2003 01:48 PM EST

A friend sent me the following that made me chuckle. I thought I would pass them along. Most are not something I am likely to post on my site but I had to pass them onto someone. :-)
This is a humorous link that does critiques of D and D monsters, state quarters, fortune telling methods and more...
http://www.bookofratings.com/
This one is for cat haters... Er, cat lovers actually...
http://www.petoffice.co.jp/catprin/english/
I like the chicken transformation set that "Be suitable an upper person" and the caption for the pic below, "Don't you think I'm sexy?"
I guess it really is for cat lovers who like to spice up their lives.
Following the chicken theme here is...
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might
be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,

"It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with

his fools."

Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When

we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to
heaven.
Sooooo .... let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is

beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the

wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!

"Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory

to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Narm, it's like
this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the

slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker

brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Posted by Pastor John @ 06/03/2003 01:50 PM EST

So true. About the fire drills and about the beer.
Posted by Chefelf @ 06/03/2003 03:31 PM EST

I am giving you a warning this time, BUT if there are any more comments about dogs being shot in a possitive manner there will be pain!
Posted by Lauren @ 06/04/2003 10:31 AM EST

Your warning falls on deaf ears. Deaf, exhausted ears which are accompanied by bloodshot eyes with droopy eyelids.
Posted by Chefelf @ 06/04/2003 10:34 AM EST

"OW, MY HIT POINTS!"
Posted by Attaboy @ 06/04/2003 10:37 AM EST

Since I did share in the RI elementary and middle school systems and the rural NH high school system I can assure you that this is a common practice. Well at least in New England.
I always found that I could tell when we would be forced to have multiple drills during school because they would all of a sudden have to have bus fire drills on the way to school and once we arrived at school.
I still find it ammusing that they thought anyone would take the time to pop open the windows in the middle of the bus. All the older kids sat in the back and would simply jump out the back door and leave the others to the bus monitors and swearing driver.
Am I right?
Posted by Sam @ 06/04/2003 12:24 PM EST

Well I never did take the bus to school so I can neither confirm not deny that portion of the drilling. I am, however, glad to hear that RI isn't the only idiotic school system in the country.
Posted by Chefelf @ 06/04/2003 12:53 PM EST

I never had a bus fire drill although I think a school bus associated with one of my schools had a fire once.
Posted by Laura @ 06/04/2003 01:41 PM EST

Since i do not know your email Nate i am forced to write to you by means of posts. I think you should check out the web site www.prisonbitchname.com . It is a name generator that will tell you what your prison name will be. Ill let you discover yours for yourself since i do not know what your last name is. Have fun and a warning, some are R rated.
Posted by Lauren @ 06/05/2003 10:51 AM EST

Tush Taster? That's weird, that was my nickname in high school!
(note: click on my name for my email address)
Posted by Chefelf @ 06/05/2003 11:29 AM EST

Squealing piglet, eh? Funny, that was my high school nickname as well ...
Posted by Jen @ 06/05/2003 04:52 PM EST

The Galloping Wordsmith? That was my high school nickname too. I went to the same high school as Emerson and Thoreau. (Thoreau was a lone wolf, and Emerson loved Topanga. Oh, the antics we got up to!)
Posted by Paul @ 06/06/2003 11:11 AM EST

Yeah but you know what Emerson hated? Undahpants! UNDAHPANTS!
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